jytmsoKS 



MEWEy 




The Fun 



Revue 



T.S.Denison 

AND COMRA-NY 
C l-I I C >=v<3 O 



Price 35 Cents. 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs. (35c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs (35c) 15 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1^ 

hrs (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 4 4 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

2^ hrs (35c) 6 10. 

And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 

2^ hrs (50c) 6 6 

Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 2yi 

hrs ....(35c) 7 5 

Assisted by Sadie, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (50c) 6 6 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2y2 hrs (35c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs (35c) 6 14 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 9 Z 

Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. 

(25c) 17 

Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 

134 hrs (25c) 16 2 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2% 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2y4^ h. (25c) 7 4 
Call of the Colors, -2 acts, \Y2 

hrs (25c) 4 10 

Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, \y^ 

hrs ...(25c) IC 

Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 

24 hrs (35c) 8 10 

Civil Service, 3 acts, 2^/4 hrs. 

(35c) 6 5 

College Town, 3 acts, 2% 

hrs (35c) 9 8 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 21^4 hrs. 

(35c) 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, 3 act-, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (2Sc) 8 4 

Dream That Came True. 3 

acts, 24 hrs (35c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c' 10 

Enchanted Wood, 1^ h.(35c).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, 1^ h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

For the Love of Johnny, 3 

acts, 24 hrs (50c) 6 3 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

IVa hrs (30cj 9 14 

Gettin' Acquainted, 25 min. 

(35c) 1 2 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (35c) 3 5 



M. F. 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

.Indian Days. 1 hr (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 24 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Jayville Junction, 1% hrs.(25c)14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

24 hrs (35c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2% hrs (35c) 6 12 

Laughing (jure, 2 acts, 1% hrs. 

(35c) 4 5 

Lightiiouse Nan, 3 acts, 24 

hrs (35c) 5 4 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 24 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 3 4 

Mirandy's Minstrels (30c) Optnl. 

Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 24 hrs (35c) 4 7 

My Irish Rose, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. 

(35c) 6 6 

OH Maid's Club, 14 hrs. (30c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

14 hrs (30c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

21/2 hrs (25c) 10 4 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2i/^h.(35c) 7 4 
Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 

24 hrs (35c) 7 9 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 24 

hrs (35c) 10 12 

Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 24 

hrs (35c) 5 7 

Safety First, 3 acts, 

2Y^ hrs (35c) 5 5 

Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs. (30c) 7 

Spark of Life, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 4 4 

Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2 4 

hr-: (35c) 10 10 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 24 h. (35c) 6 5 
Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 24 

hrs (35c) 9 16 

Tcnv. the Convict, 5 acts, • 2]^ 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 21/4. hrs. 

(35c) 6 18 

Trip to Storyiand, 14 hrs. (25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 24 hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts. 2 

hrs (35c) 7 10 

When Smith Stepped Out. 3 

acts, 2 hrs (50c) 4 4 

Whose Little Bride Are You? 

3 acts, 21/2 hrs (50c) 5 5 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, 14 hrs. 

(25c) 2 4 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 623 S. Wabash Ave. , Chicago 



\ 

\ 



THE FUN REVUE 



A Musical Grouch Cure 

In Five Treatments 



PRESCRIPTION BY 

Frederick G. Johnson 

AUTHOR OF 

'Fifty-Fifty," "Mary's Millions/' "Civilizing Susie/' "Hoiv 
to SLaye a Minstrel Sho^/' etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



THE FUN REVUE^^^ 

f5 






cN O T I C E 

PRODUCTION OF THIS PLAY 
■*• is free to amateurs, but the sole 
professional rights arc reserved by 
the author, who may be addressed 
in care of the Publishers. Profes- 
sional producers of home-talent 
shows are forbidden to sta^e "The 
Fun Revue," in whole or in part, 
under this or any other title, ex- 
cept by special license. 



©CID 5 94 6 



COPYRIGHT, 1921 
FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 



DEC 19 






>V0 I 



THE FUN REVUE 



(Originally presented by the S erve-Y our-City Club of 
Wilkes-Barre.) 

THE FUNMAKERS. 

Part One. 

Priscilla An Old-Fashioned Girl 

Prunella .Identically Likezvise 

LuELLA Decidedly Otherwise 

Sammy A Playground Kiddie 

Tommy Another One 

Willy Ditto for Him 

Johnny Just One Move 

Micky A Tough Kid 

Anne A Playgroimdette 

Daisy That Goes Again 

Susie Still Another 

Li*l Rollo His Mother's Pride 

Diana Rollo' s Big Sister 

Miss Pitt Playground Teacher 

Capt. Jack Dalton Late of the A. E. F. 

Jazbo Jones A Dark Knight Errant 

Mr. Jingling Who Owns the Circus 

Zaza The Wild Woman 

Mlle. Spinelli The Snake Charmer 

Hindu Man The Wonder Worker 

Fatima Hozu She Can Dance! 

Lemonade Vender It's Ice Cold 

Balloon Man Anybody Else Want One? 

Playground Kiddies, Clowns, Circus Attendants, 
Villagers, Etc. 

Part Two. 

Pete A Gay Young Salt 

Skeet Full o' Pepper 

3 



4 THE FUN REVUE 

Part Three. 
(Optional -with Director.) 

Part Four. 

Mary His Country Girl 

Annie His Oldtiine Girl 

Peggy His Summer Girl 

Cherie His French Girl 

Carmen His Spanish Girl 

Virginia His Southern Girl 

— and The Lucky Man 

Part Five. 

Marie The Maid 

MosE The Butler 

Cuthbert Cashbonds The Bootlegger 

Harry Hallroom Poor but Proud 

Polly Primrose The Btidc 

Mr. Goodly The Preacher 

Dolly, Molly, May and Fay Polly's Friends 

Will, Tom, Dick and Jim More Friends 

Bridal Party, Wedding Gnests, Ftc. 



SCENE SYNOPSIS. 

Part One "Oh, Baby!" 

{A Municipal Playground ; full stage.) 

Part Two ''Pity the Sailors on a Night Like This'' 

(A Street; in one.) 

Part Three .''Rhythm a la Mode" 

(A palace interior, or a zvoodland scene; full stage.) 

Part Four "Some Sheet Music Covers" 

(Plush drop; in one.) 

Part Five "The Bootlegger's Bride" 

(A drazuing room; ftdl stage.) 



THE FUN REVUE 5 

TYPES AND COSTUMES. 

Part One. 

Priscilla and Prunella — Juvenile costumes of the 
hoopskirt-and-pantalette period. 

LuELLA and Anne — Little girl costumes of the somewhat 
dressed-up type. 

Daisy and Susie — Little girl costumes ; may be simple 
gingham dresses. 

Johnny — "Silly kid" type; blond shock wig; boy's 
clothes, tight fitting. Make up with vertical lines on eye- 
lids and most of eyebrows erased with grease paint. 

Micky — "Tough kid" type; old cap; sweater or jersey; 
patched knickerbockers ; big shoes. 

Li'l Rollo — A big boy or man as large as a baby carriage 
or go-cart will hold without breaking. He represents a gi- 
gantic infant and should have a fat or chubby face. Wears 
a white baby cap and a white "nightie." 

Diana — A small girl, in little girl's clothes, but must 
be big enough to push the carriage containing Rollo. May 
wear gingham apron and do hair in pigtails, to give drudge 
or slavey effect. 

Other Children — Varied style of juvenile attire. Some 
are neatly dressed, others shabbily. Avoid having them 
uniform. Get all the variety and contrast possible. 

Miss Pitt — Old maid type; severe black dress with skirt 
pulled low at the back ; spectacles. 

Capt. Jack Dalton — A dashing young man. White 
flannel trousers, blue coat and straw hat ; or any neat busi- 
ness suit; or military uniform if desired. Carries walking 
stick (or sword or swagger stick, if military). 

Jazbo — Blackface comedian. May wear overalls or any 
grotesque minstrel costume. Negro wig. 

Mr. Jingling — A loud and glib talker and something of 
a roughneck. Loud clothing ; plaid suit ; red vest ; silk hat ; 
flashy necktie and jewelry ; patent leather shoes. 

Zaza — A girl wnth bobbed hair should have this part if 
possible. The hair, freshly washed and fluffed out, will add 



6 THE FUN REVUE 

to the wild effect. Her arms are bare and the costume may 
be simply made of a four-yard length of some flowered 
silk, satin or sateen material, suitably draped to the knees 
or below ; flesh or champagne hose ; straw sandals or plain 
black pumps. Or any other flashy and freakish costume 
scheme will do equally well. 

Mlle. Spinelli — An evening dress of the "vamp" vari- 
ety, preferably green, and well sprinkled with spangles, will 
answer; spangled hair ornament; plenty of jewelry. She 
carries a large imitation snake coiled around her neck and 
one arm. 

Hindu Man — Hindu, Arabian or any other available ori- 
ental robe costume ; turban ; brown grease paint make-up ; 
turban makes wig unnecessary. 

Fatima — This Is a "property" horse, with two boys form- 
ing the front and rear legs respectively. Use a papier mache 
head if available ; but a cotton bag, cut the right shape and 
stuffed with rags and painted, will do. A feather duster 
will serve for the tail. The "body" can be bag shaped and 
the legs can be two old pairs of pajama trousers, with feet 
attached. Dye the whole thing brown and dapple the cos- 
tume with white spots. (A regular property horse costume 
can be rented from a professional costumer, but the outfit 
described will answer the purpose, and will get plenty of 
laughs if it is desired to economize.) 

Lemonade Vender — White duck jacket ; blue uniform 
cap, such as worn by conductors, porters, etc. Basket. 

Balloon Man — Baggy corduroy trousers ; white shirt 
with neck open ; dark vest ; red bandana handkerchief at 
neck ; old felt hat. Swarthy make-up ; black hair or wig. 

Clowns — Usual bright clown suits ; white skull caps. 
Clown white make-up with carmine triangles on cheeks. 

Hindu^s Attendants — May be either male or female; 
oriental costumes, less ornate than Hindu^'s. 

Part Two. 
Pete and Skeet — Two juvenile comedians, preferably 
good singers and dancers. Both wear sailor uniforms, either 



TTTE FUN REVUE 7 

blue or white as desired. Skeet's clothing may be ill-fitting 
if desired. 

Part Three. 
Optional. 

Part Four. 

Mary — Rather shy and demure. Gingham dress ; pretty 
sunbonnet ; has hair done in braids, with ribbons. 

Annie — Irish colleen costume, if available. Or use any 
quaint old style dress, with poke bonnet and big ribbon bow. 

Peggy — Wears a modern summer dress, sports costume 
preferred. 

Cherie — Wears a dashing dance costume ; may be a 
blonde. 

Carmen — Wears typical Spanish costume ; a red rose in 
h^r hair ; bright scarf ; uses tambourine or castanets ; should 
have black hair. 

Virginia — Wears a hoopskirt evening dress if available, 
or any pretty costume of tlie Civil War period. Should 
have dark hair. 

The Man — Wears evening clothes. 

Part Five. 

Marie — A French maid ; black dress with rather short 
skirt ; black silk hose ; high-heeled black satin slippers or 
pumps ; white lace cap and apron. Should be played by a 
girl of the ''petite" type. 

MosE — Blackface comedian ; misfit dress suit or butler 
uniform. 

Cuthbert — Middle-aged, pompous, stout, swaggering, 
loud-voiced. Make-up homely, with absurd drooping mus- 
tache, red nose, puiTy eyes, half-bald wig, etc. A burlesque 
villain. Wears evening clothes. 

Harry — Straight juvenile make-up. Evening clothes. 

Polly — A pretty bride. She does not wear bridal veil 
until entering with the wedding party. 

Mr. Goodly — Plain black suit ; gray hair or wig ; gray 
sidewhiskers ; spectacles. Do' not burlesque the clergy as it 
is in bad taste, to say the least, and gives offense to many 
good people. 



8 THE FUN REVUE 

Bridal Party — This may be worked up as desired. Fol- 
low regular custom as to personnel, costumes and conduct. 

Dolly, Molly, May, Fay, Will, Tom, Dick, Jim and 
other Guests — Evening dress. 



MUSIC CUES. 

Part One. 
(At rw^.)— OPENING CHORUS, once through. 
(For encore.) — Repeat from "Tell Me Who" to finish. 
Has to zmlk in the middle of the street. — Break by trap 

drummer. 
Hey, Skinuay! Wait a minute!— "YOUR LITTLE GIRL." 
Apropos of time, phice and situation. — Bugle. 
Aha! War is declared! — Military march, softly. 
Well Slip plied with ammunition. — Stop. 
Take the enemy at any cost. — Bugle. 
That's right. With Carmen, she was absolutely charmin'. — 

"CARMEN, SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY CHARM- 
IN'." 
An oyster is a fish built like a nut. — Introduction, and vamp 

if necessary, for Anne's solo (to be selected). 
Wait a minute, Miss. — Stop. 
The poor fish is cracked like a nut. — Anne's solo. 
Bally zuhat? — Circus music (gallop), soft and increasing. 
Keep your eye on little old George W. — Loud. 
Well, zvell, zuell, folks. — Stop. 
The one and only original zinld zvoman. — Chord, roll and 

cymbal crash. 
Go hack into the tent. — Chord. 
From the banks of the dreamy Nile; Mile. Spinelli! — Chord, 

roll and cymbal crash. 
H all costs you but twenty-fiz^e cents. — Chord. 
This or any other canvas; Fatima! — Oriental dance. 
(At exit of horse.) — Stop. 
/ thank you for your kind attention. — Chord, and soft waltz 

in minor. 
(When girl is laid on couch.) — Crescendo. 



THE FUN REVUE 9 

(When scarf is held in front of couch.) — Fast and loud; 

snare drum roll. 

Go! — Stop suddenly, with crash. 

Don't you knozv? JVhy, Vm the Hindu Man. — ''HINDU 

MAN." \ 

Part Two. 

{To open.) — "SAILING," refrain twice through; no en- 
core. 

/ never knezv what love could do till vou sued me for breach 
of promise.— "SOON I'LL BE THE CZAR OF 
ZANZIBAR." 

Part Three. 

Optional. t. -^ 

^ Part Four. 

(When drop closes in for opening.) — Chord. 

Horne-niade Fun Revue. — "MARY," introduction and cho- 
rus only, once through ; no verse. Sustain last note for 
exit. 

ril shozv you an old-fashioned girl. — "LJTTLE ANNIE 
ROONEY," introduction and chorus only, once 
through. Sustain. 

A type that is more up to date. — "PEGGY," introduction 
and chorus only, once through. Sustain. 

No?v let's look overseas. — "CHERIE," introduction and 
chorus only, once through. Sustain. 

I'll shozv you the kind that can dance. — "CARMEN, SHE 
WAS ABSOLUTELY CHARMIN'," introduction and 
chorus only, once through. Sustain. 

Withont a girl from L>?>/^.— "VIRGINIA LEE." introduc- 
tion and chorus only, once through. Sustain. 

(For encore.) — "VIRGINIA LEE," chorus only, once 

^ ■ Part Five. 

(At rise.) — Soft, dreamy waltz. 
Oo^ la-la! — Stop. 

/ ain't got enough to pass around, so I guess Vll keep it all 
. for myself.— '^l AIN'T GOT ENOUGH TO PASS 

AROUND." 
Where I didn't hear a lot of knocki)i'. — Lively fox trot. 



10 THE FUN REVUE 

{When chorus is on.) — Stop at end of chorus. 

Serenade for the bride while zve're waiting? — "CROONIN' 

'NEATH THE COTTON-PICKIN' MOON." 
{Dark stage; Harry in spot.)—'TWE SUNBEAM AND 

THE MOONBEAM." 
For the zmalth of Cuthberi Cashbonds, the bootlegger. — 

''SOLDIER'S FAREWELL," or "HOW CAN I 

LEAVE THEE?" very softly. 
Being a bootlegger's bride isn't what it's cracked up to be. — 

Stop. 
It is a shame she has to be a bootlegger's bride. — "JUST 

BEFORE THE BATTLE," fast and loud. 
We want to hear the Wedding March, not Just Before the 

Battle.— Changt to MENDELSSOHN'S WEDDING 

MARCH. 
{When wedding party has formed.) — Stop. 
{Crash off stage.) — Soft agitato. 
She shall never become the bride of another! — Stop. 
Yes, let this nonsense cease. — Plaintive. 
Well, what are you going to do about itf — Stop. 
You nozv are man and wife. — FINALE. 



LIGHTING CUES. 

House lights. — Dark throughout. 

Part One. 

{At rise.) — All stage lights up full, with white flood, until — 

Just a little szueeter than the ones zue hear today. — Stage 
lights dim ; white spot on soloist entering left. 

Still to us at twilight comes lore's old sivcet song. — Increase 
lights. 

{Chorus repeats.) — Love's old sweet song. — Up full. 

Way back in sixty-three. — White spot on soloist entering 
right, and start diminishing stage lights. 

Szveet Alice zuhose hair zuas so brozmi. — Sw^ng spot to quar- 
tet. Stage dim. 

Swmee River, far, far away.—Stagt lights up full ; kill spot. 



THE FUN REVUE 11 

Hey, Skinnay ; zvait a minute! — Stage dark; white spot on 
soloist. 

(After solo.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. 

Keep your eye on little old George W. — {Beginning of cir- 
cus spiel.) — Stage lights half down; white spot on 
spieler on bench. Follow sideshow freaks, as they are 
introduced, with spot. 

This or any other canvas. Fatima! — Red stage lights, half 
down; white spot on horse entering right. 

{When horse exits.) — Stage lights half down; spot back tO' 
spieler. 

/ thank you for your kind attention. — Green stage lights, 
half down; white spot on Hindu entering right. Fol- 
low Hindu with spot until — 

{[fypnotism bit.) — Hold spot centered on couch until — 

Go! (Vanish of girl.) — Stage lights up full. Kill spot. 

(For song.) — Flood with changing colors; white at finish. 

Part Two. 
Stage lights up full throughout. 

Part Three. 
Optional. Part Four. 

(For opening.) — Stage lights up full. 
With our home-made Fun Revue. — Dark stage; white spot 

on center ; follow girl. 
(When she exits center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. 
Now ril show you an old-fashioned girl. — Dark stage; 

white spot on girl; follow girl. 
(When she exits center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. 
A type that is more up to date. — Dark stage ; white spot on 

girl; follow girl. 
(When she exits center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. 
We'll now look overseas. — Dim orange foots ; white spot on 

girl ; follow girl. 
(When she exits center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. 
I'll show you the kind that can dance. — Dim red foots; 

white spot on girl ; follow girl. 
(When she exits center.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. 



12 THE FUN REVUE 

Without a girl from Dixie. — Red, white and blue foots, 

dim ; white spot on girl ; follow girl. 
{When man and girl exit center.) — Stage lights up full; 

kill spot. 
{For encore.) — Keep lights up full; white flood. 

Part Five. 

{At rise.) — Stage lights up full. 

{When Harry sits on table and takes picture from pocket.) 
— Dark stage ; white spot on Harry for song ; follow 
him to door center and swing to Polly as she enters, 
singing; follow the pair for duet finish. 

{After song.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. 

{When music changes to Wedding March.) — Stage lights 
half down ; spot on center to catch wedding party en- 
tering. 

{When ziredding party has formed down stage and inusic 
stops.) — Stage lights up full; kill spot. 

{To finish.) — Up full. White flood for Finale. 



NOTES ON STAGING. 

"The Fun Revue" is designed to make it possible for 
clever entertainers to stage a big, spectacular musical pro- 
duction, similar in style tO' the professional revues, and yet 
avoid the heavy expense of hiring a professional coach and 
renting elaborate costumes and scenery — factors that fre- 
quently discourage the presentation of this attractive form 
of entertainment. *'The Fun Revue" can be presented — for 
it has been presented — with amateur talent and direction 
exclusively. It is so flexibly planned that it makes use of 
whatever talent, scenery, music and costumes that are avail- 
able in each instance. The instructions are complete, so 
that if given in a well-equipped theatre, the producers may 
take full advantage of scenic and lighting effects. It can 
be simplified as much as desired. The use of the elaborate 
lighting and musical effects is optional. It may be given 
on any stage where there is fair scenic equipment, and 
may be simplified as much as is necessary to fit the situ- 



THE FUN REVUE 13 

ation. Thus it is equally available to large, talented troupes 
who have elaborate scenic facilities, and to less fortunate 
amateurs who desire to put on a big show with limited 
equipment. 

No attempt has been made to write a musical comedy 
with a plot. It is, as the original production w^as frankly 
advertised, "nothing but nonsense." The original cast was 
made up, for the most part, of young people who had never 
before appeared on the stage. There were only a few 
trained singers, and no trained comedians. The ensemble 
formations were very simple. It was the novelty of the 
entertainment, the diversity of the "stunts," and the speed 
and "pep" with which every member of the cast and chorus 
worked, as a result of thorough and enthusiastic rehears- 
ing, that made "The Fun Revue" the most talked about ama- 
teur show of the season. 

Follow the instructions here given as far as possible with 
the equipment at hand. But if changes are necessary they 
are easy to make. The flexibility of the entertainment is 
intentional. It should inspire originality and creative effort 
on the part of every amateur troupe that produces it. No 
book of dialogue and stage directions can be more than the 
groundwork upon which the producer and the performers 
must build up their own interpretation. The plan is prac- 
tical all the way through. Follow it as far as talent and 
facilities permit, but alter wdiere necessary. Consult theatre 
management regarding scenery and lights. Spot light is 
more important than flood. You can omit all light effects 
if you have to. 

The Cast. — If your troupe is small, a great deal of 
doubling is possible. The size of the chorus in Parts I 
and V is optional, and by very slight changes in the dia- 
logue the number of speaking parts can be increased or 
reduced. If you have no one who can do blackface com- 
edy, Jazbo can be cut from Part I, simply eliminating his 
entire scene ; and Mose in Part V can be played "straight" 
by a chorus man. Six of the chorus girls can work in Part 
IV. If you have plenty of people it may be better not to 
have any doubling, and to have each of the five parts pre- 



14 THE FUN REVUE 

sented by a different group. If you resort to doubling, 
make sure that the costume changes are possible, otherwise 
you will have stage waits that will ruin your show. Of 
course you will cast your show in accordance with the nat- 
ural talent of the players. But previous training or expe- 
rience is by nO' means essential. The parts are all short 
and easily learned. Don't worry about finding "stars" for 
the cast. Assign the parts as appropriately as possible with 
the talent at hand. Then rehearse, and keep everlastingly 
at it. Remember, "practice makes perfect." Aim for per- 
fection. Put real energy and intelligent work into the show 
and the "talent" will naturally come to the surface. 

The Chorus. — The chorus work is largely up to the in- 
genuity of the director. Following detailed instructions for 
drill and gestures frequently results in a stiff, wooden, 
wholly uninteresting performance. If you have at your 
command someone who is familiar with stage ensemble 
dances, you can get up some elaborate eff'ects. Or a gymna- 
sium instructor can lend a hand and help work up some 
effective drill evolutions. But these are not essential. The 
chorus work can be kept very simple. In fact it can all have 
the appearance of being largely impromptu. In that case, 
give up any thought of having military precision. Simply 
bring the crowd on and off easily and naturally. Have them 
appear interested and pleased always. If the performers 
look bored, the audience is sure to feel bored. Whether 
your chorus work is elaborate or not, here are a few car- 
dinal rules of the chorus: Smile, smile, smile! Laughter 
is the most contagious thing in the world. Be interested 
in everything that happens. Do all your work with pep. 
The audience won't enjoy the show unless you enjoy it. 
The chorus is just as important as the main cast. Don't 
be disappointed because you are "just a chorus man" or 
"just a chorus girl." Work as hard as a principal and you 
won't be overlooked. You may be a principal next time. 
We can't all be generals in the army. 

Scenery and Properties. — Use what you have at hand. 
Practically every theatre has a wood set and an interior, 
and some kind of a drop "in one," which means near the 



THE FUN REVUE 15 

footlights, allowing a narrow space while the stage back 
of the drop is being changed. In the original production 
Part I was staged in the desert of Sahara and Part V in 
an Arabian palace, but who cared ? Make the best of what 
is at hand. The audience will like it all the more. If the 
theatre has no plush curtain, use whatever is available. 

The Music. — If you wish you can substitute your own 
selections for a-ny or all of the songs specified. The pres- 
ent selections have all been made with great care ; all are 
appropriate and catchy and easy to sing. If you choose 
your own numbers be careful not to take any current hits 
that have already been "plugged" to death professionally. 
Your audience wants novelty. The use of an orchestra is 
not essential. You can put on a good show with just a 
pianist and violinist, or a pianist alone. If your musical 
director is not experienced, it may be wise to cut out some 
or all of the incidental music. All music specified is listed 
at the back of the book. 

Now a word as to the acts themselves: 

Part One. — For grown persons to impersonate children 
is always amusing, and ''Oh, Baby !" gives endless chance 
for uproarious funmaking. The stage properties can gen- 
erally be borrowed from the management of a local chil- 
dren's playground. The chute-the-chute slide can be omit- 
ted if necessary, though it is very effective. The other stage 
props are all easy. Denison's Minstrel Opening Chorus No. 1 
is unsurpassed for opening this show, but the introduc- 
tion and "Old Kentucky Home" should be cut. Start where 
the score is marked "tambourine solo." The directions for 
action given with the w^ords of the opening chorus in this 
book are merely suggestions. Avoid stiffness and artifi- 
ciality. Stage the circus scene with lots of hustle and ex- 
citement, but have everybody absolutely quiet except where 
indicated. The magic act is explained in detail so that this 
stunt may be performed, if necessary, by a man wholly 
unskilled in sleight-of-hand. If you have a magician avail- 
able, let him put on a trick or two of his own choosing. 
But his stunt must be brief, and he should choose tricks in 
keeping with oriental atmosphere. And don't omit the bur- 



16 THE FUN REVUE 

lesque illusion, for it is a sure laugh-maker, and a big one. 
A light folding camp cot is best for the couch. Cover it 
with a bright spread that reaches to the floor on the side 
toward the audience. For the Hindu's crystal, a small fish 
globe will do nicely. The balloons are not essential but they 
help make a colorful picture for the finale, and work nicely 
with some crystal gazing business by the chorus. 

Part Two. — This is simply a sidewalk 'sketch to fill in 
while the stage is being arranged for Part III. The show 
is arranged to run a full evening without a break, but if it 
is desired to have an intermission, it should come after 
Part I. If an elaborate scene change is employed, it will 
be necessary to have an intermission at this point to com- 
plete the set for Part III while Part 11 is being enacted. 

Part Three. — This is reserved entirely for the introduc- 
tion of musical and dancing specialties according to the par- 
ticular talent at your command. It gives each troupe a 
chance to show its stars to their best advantage. It is a min- 
iature vaudeville show in itself. As originally presented it 
consisted of five brief numbers which followed each other 
quickly without interruption or change of scene. They con- 
sisted of a character dance, a double ragtime number on 
two pianos, a solo toe dancer, and a quartet and an es- 
thetic dance by six girls. Here is the place to feature your 
good novelty dancers, ragtime piano soloists or other per- 
formers on other instruments, quartet, etc. The stage set- 
ting is immaterial. There is no need of using a special set. 
It may be well to use the setting for Part V. A few bright 
screens, potted plants, Japanese lanterns, etc., will give it a 
novelty appearance, and by removing these properties and 
placing difi^erent furniture for Part V, the repetition of the 
scene itself will not be noticeable. No dialogue in this part. 

Part Four. — This requires a male soloist in evening attire 
and six pretty girls who can dance and pose. The man 
should strive to direct attention to each of his girl partners 
rather than draw it to himself. Any popular song chorus 
which features a girl's name can be used, with the neces- 
sary change on the program. But see to it that the types 
and costumes are well contrasted, as in the examples given. 



THE FUN REVUE 17 

Part Five. — "The Bootlegger's Bride" is a musical trav- 
esty on melodrama, and is designed to pile up a lot of 
laughs and send the audience home happy. Will, Tom, 
Dick and Jim are supposed to be the chorus men who make 
up the quartet; Dolly, Molly, May and Fay are four 
chorus girls who have been paired off with them and who 
have a few lines to speak. They are designated as principals 
for the sake of convenience and clearness. The lines may 
be changed around or doubled up as much as desired, but 
in a home talent show it is desirable to have as many speak- 
ing parts as possible. The wedding party may be elab- 
orated as much as desired with best man, maid of honor, 
bridesmaids, etc., but it is not essential, and the details of 
the wedding party, which is all pantomimic, are therefore 
omitted to avoid confusi'on. Rehearse the ragtime wedding 
thoroughly. It must go with a good jingly swing and with- 
out a second's break in tempo between the respective 
speeches. The melodrama should be done with intense seri- 
ousness, and of course overacted. Pick up the closing cho- 
rus immediately after the last line of dialogue. Permit no 
pause. Notice the change in finale lyric from the minstrel 
version. 

The Presentation. — Speed is the most essential quality 
of a show of this type. Keep it moving every minute. This 
does not mean to dehver the lines like lightning, or neglect 
the comedy business. It means simply to sustain the action, 
to have all specialties brief, to be very sparing of encores, 
to avoid stage waits, and to keep the audience amused every 
minute. Gauge the show at the final rehearsals, and cut 
as much as necessary in order to keep the whole program 
down to two hours. Follow this recipe and you will win 
your audience. The staging of a big musical production 
has much in common with the staging of a minstrel show, 
and amateur producers will do well to add to their Hbrary, 
and study carefully, the following three books : "How to 
Stage a Minstrel Show," "How to Stage a Play," and "How 
to Advertise a Play." The preface which appears in "A 
Royal Cut-Up" and "In Hot Tamale Land" (musical come- 
dies) also will be found very helpful. 



P> TTII-: FUN Ri':VUK 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

Up stage means away from footlights ; dozvn stage, near 
footlights. In the use of right and leftj the actor is sup- 
posed to be facing the audience. 



THE FUN REVUE 



Part One. 
"OH, BABY!" 

Scene: A municipal playground, full stage. Garden or 
wood drop; zvood wings; an inclined playground slide, with 
ladder and top platform masked by zving up right, slants 
diagonally down stage toward center. Lawn szuing up cen- 
ter. Seesaw up left. Park benches dozim left and right. 
Stage may be further dressed zmth set trees, bushes and 
rocks, cut branches and potted plants, ad lib. 

Lights: Up full at rise. 

At rise. Playground Kiddies of chorus are flocking on 
Sluing and seesazu, playing horse and leapfrog, etc. Sammy, 
Tommy, Willy, Micky, Susie and Daisy come dozvn the 
slide, one after another, starting as soon as curtain is up. 
Some Chorus Kiddies may follozu if time permits. Mean- 
zuhile Diana pushes Rollo in from down left in a baby 
carriage or go-cart and allozus him to taste a lolly pop. Other 
Chorus Kiddies can enter from both sides, on roller skates, 
riding velocipedes, kiddy-cars, scooters, etc., if desired. 

Curtain rises as orchestra begins opening chorus number 
and principals above named begin their entrances. Princi- 
pals and chorus should all be on just before end of the ''Old 
Zip Coon'* movement, and form semicircle across stage from 
left to right, zmth principals in center of the arc, and boys 
and girls alternately. At the break all do breakstep. 

Full Chorus and Principals (sing). How do do? 
— How do do? (Stoop forzvard slightly zvith hands behind 
back. Nod left, then right.) 

We're here to welcome you. 
(Extend hands tozvard audience in zvelcoming gesture.) 

We will sing — anything — 
(Take erect posture, placing right hand on breast.) 
That we know, both old and new. 

19 



20 THE FUN REVUE 

{Graceful sweep of left hand from left to right. During 
the above, Hfork gradually dozvn to footlights. Now work 
back up stage in the same manner, to clear apron for 
soloist.) 

We'll start off with an old-time song 

That most of you will say 
Is just a little sweeter than 
The ones you hear today. 
{All turn, facing half -left, toward soloist.) 

Priscilla enters, dozvn left. Stage lights dim. Spotlight 
on soloist. 

Priscilla {sings). Just a song at twilight, 

When the lights are low, 

And the flick'ring shadows 

Softly come and go. 
Though the heart be weary. 

Sad the day, and long, 
Still to us at twilight 

Conies love's old sweet song. 
{During this solo, Priscilla works slowly across stage 
and then back, finishing at left end of semicircle. Increase 
lights.) 

Full Chorus {sings softly). Comes love's old sweet 
song. {Lights up fidl.) 
Full Chorus {snappily). 

But the young folks like to shake their shoulders, 

Yes indeed they do. 

They keep the old folks guessing 

What the world is coming to. 

If the girl who used to do the old-time 

Minuet were here. 

How would she treat the man who dared to 

Whisper in her ear — 

Luella enters left. She sings her line zvith snap and 
"pep," while doing a lively little dance step. 

Luella {sings). Come on and shimmy! Come on and 
shimmy! {Takes position left of Priscilla in semicircle.) 



THE FUN REVUE 21 

Full Chorus (sings). They'd string him higher than a 
kite. 
(Point upimrd and fozvard the left with right hand.) 

Or tie him to a tree ; 
(Szving hand to right, still pointing up.) 

The girls who used to sing this song 

Way back in sixty-three. 
(Finish gesture zcith dowrnvard sweep and pointing off right 

to soloist entering. Lights grozv dim.) 

Prunella enters, right, in spot. 
Prunella (sings). 

Don't you remember Sweet Alice, Ben Bolt, 
Sweet AHce, whose hair was so brown? 
Quartet or Full Chorus (sings). 

Way down upon the Swanee River, 
Far, far away. (Lights up full.) 
LuELLA (coming dozvn center, sings). 
Old-time songs are dear, 
But the age of pep is here. 
We're going to wind up with the kind of 
Song you'll hear next year. 
(LuELLA takes position in center of semicircle. During 
the next chorus all the boys and girls ''pair off," each pair 
holding hands and looking into each other's faces, szvinging 
their clasped hands back and forth with semi-embarrassed 
''puppy love" business.) 
Full Chorus (sings). 

Tell me who you're going to get to 

Make love to, when I go. 
Tell me who you're going to call for. 
Tell me who you're going to fall for. 
Tell me who you're going to get to 

Do housework, when I go. 
Tell me who you're going to get to 

Bring home the dough. 
Tell me who you're going to get to 
Sing love songs, when I go. 



22 THE FUN REVUE 

Tell me who you're going to sigh for. 
Tell me who you're going to cry for. 
Tell me who you're going to get to 
Take all your rings out of pawn. 
Tell me who you're going to get to 
Make love to when I'm gone. 
(No encore should he taken unless the audience absolutely 
demands it. In tJiis case, use the ''Tell Me Who'' chorus 
only.) 

Sammy (looking off rigJit). Cut it out, kids ! Here comes 
the playground teacher. 

Susie (in ragtime tempo). Here comes teacher, ain't she 
sweet — 

Tommy. That old girl has such big feet — 
Willy. Has to walk in the middle of the street — 
(All do break-step; break by trap drummer.) 

Miss Fitt enters from the right. 

(Kiddies play quietly, in pantomime ; avoid "posing.") 

Miss Fitt. Mercy me, children, what a noise you are 
making! Now do please be little ladies and gentlemen. 

Daisy. Well, we are little ladies and gentlemen — as little 
as possible. 

Miss Fitt. Micky Flynn, you played hookey from school 
this morning. You missed your spelling lesson. 

Micky. I know me spellin' lesson, all right. 

Miss Flynn. I'll try you. Can you spell ''hat"? 

Micky. Nope. 

Miss Fitt. What ? You can't spell a simple little word 
like "hat"? 

Micky. No, ma'am. 

Miss Fitt. Why, if you grow up as ignorant as that, 
you'll starve to death. 

Micky. If I grow up with your disposition, I'll get mur- 
dered. 

Miss Fitt. I'm not going to let you play any games here 
with the other children until you have learned your spelling 
lesson. Now take this book and see if you can't learn some- 



TTTK FUN REVUE 23 

thing. (Hands him a spelling book.) Sit down on that bench 
and study. 

Micky. Aw, what's the use? When I grow up I'm goin' 
to get a job where I don't have to know nothin'. 

Miss Fitt. Indeed ? And what are you going to be when 
you grow up? 

Micky. A school teacher. (He goes sulkily to a bench 
and studies. The other kids laugh boisterously. Sammy has 
gone out, right, unnoticed, during the above scene.) 

Miss Fitt (looking the children over). The idea! Johnny 
Jones, you were late for school this morning. 

Johnny. Yes. teacher. 

Miss Fitt. What made you late ? 

Johnny. Well, it was like this. (Deliz'ers following 
lines with gradually increasing speed, finishing as fast as 
he can articidate.) The alarm clock stopped last night and 
it was so dark and foggy this morning that the hired girl 
didn't wake up till late, and then when she tried to get to 
the kitchen window in the dark she upset a pail of water 
on the kindling wood ; it was the water the mackerel was 
soaking in, and it was on a chair and the wood was under 
it, and then because the wood was wet the fire wouldn't 
burn and the other wood that father was going to chop 
wasn't chopped yet, and our next door neighbor didn't 
have any wood and the girl had to go down in our back 
pasture and cut some, and when she got there there wasn't 
any and she came back and went to the store for some, 
and then the storekeeper told her she needn't take it with 
her 'cause he'd send it right over to our house, and she 
believed him, and when she got home the wood wasn't there 
and it was a long time before it come, and when it did 
come it was all wet from the rain and fog, 'cause the store- 
keeper never covered it up, and when she tried to start the 
fire again it wouldn't burn any better than our own wood, 
and then Maw she put on her hat and hurried over to the 
next-door neighbor and tried to borrow her stove but they 
was getting their own breakfast, and we could only get 
the use of one hole at a time, and our kettles and pans 
wouldn't fit their stove holes, and we had to wait till some 



24 THE FUN REVITE 

of the neighbor's pans and kettles was washed, and Maw 
said she never saw such a dirty lot of pans and kettles in 
all her life, and then Maw tried tO' cook oatmeal so I could 
hurry and get tc school, but the neighbor didn't have any 
l)read in her house, and I had to come back home and 
dress Mary and Pete so they wouldn't be late for school, 
and then the baby woke up and he began to cry and Maw 
hurried back home to see what was the matter with it, 
and while she was finding out what was the matter with 
the oatmeal — I mean with the baby — the oatmeal burned, 
and we all had to wait till the kettle was cleaned again 
and some more baby cooked — I mean some more oatmeal 
cooked — and when that was done I had to hurry and eat 
just a little bit so I wouldn't be late for school, and I would 
have just got here on time only Pete got the nosebleed aw- 
ful and I had to wait till Maw washed her hands so she 
could write out an excuse to you for my being late yesterday. 
{He is completely out of breath zvhen he finishes.) 

Miss Fitt (helplessly). Well, Johnny, I guess you're 
excused. 

(Johnny joins playmates at szmng or seesazv.) 

Miss Fitt. Micky. (No response.) Micky! Have you 
learned your spelling lesson yet? 

Micky (looking up from hook vacantly). Eluh? 

Miss Fitt. Have you learned your spelling lesson ? 

Micky. Yes'm. 

Miss Fitt. Ell try you. Give me the book. (Takes 
hook and opens it.) Can you spell '*hat"? 

Micky. No'm. 

Miss Fitt. Why, that's the first word on the list. El-a-t, 
hat; t-i-e, tie; p-i-n, pin. Don't you remember? 

Micky. Yes'm. 

Miss Fitt. Now remember, h-a-t, hat ; t-i-e, tie ; p-i-n, 
pin. Now spell "hat." 

Micky. I can't. 

Miss Fitt. I just told you "hat" is spelled h-a-t. 

Micky. Yes'm. 

Miss Fitt. I'll try you again. Now spell "hat." 

Micky. I forgot again. 



THE FUN REVUE 25 

]\liss FiTT. Dear me! \\'ell, Til try another way. What 
does h-a-t spell? 

Micky. I dunno. 

Miss Fitt. Think carefully, Micky. What was the first 
word I taught you to spell? 

Micky (guessing zvildly). "Tie"? 

Miss Fitt (trying to be patient). No, Micky. I said 
h-a-t. (He stands in stupefied silence.) H-a-t. When you 
come to school in the morning, doesn't your mother always 
see that you haven't forgotten to put something on your 
head ? 

Micky (brightening). Yes'm. 

Miss Fitt (pleased with her progress). Of course. 
Now tell all the little boys and girls what you put on your 
head ever)^ morning before you go to school. 

Micky (triumphantly). Kerosene oil ! 

Sammy dashes in from the right. 

Sammy (shouts excitedly). Gee-whiz, fellers! What do 
you think? 

Susie. What happened, Sammy? Is the school house on 
fire? 

Sammy. Better than that. The circus is coming to town ! 

All (excitedly). Oh, where is it? 

Sammy. They've just started to unload at the — (local 
railway line) tracks, over by — . (Name zvell-known build- 
ing or other location near point where circuses usually de- 
train locally.) 

(Children, all but Sammy and Luella, exeunt right, ex- 
citedly and noisily, shouting such characteristic remarks as 
''Hare they got elephants f' '7 want some pink lemonade T 
'7 want a balloon!'' ''Did you see the clowmsf" etc. Miss 
Fitt follows after tJiem, shouting, "Nozv, children, do zuatch 
out for those zvild animals," etc. Luella sits sadly on bench 
at left and Sammy stands alongside, fidgeting.) 

Sammy, Don't you like circuses? Come on and see the 
elephants. 

Luella. Haven't you ever been in love? 

Sammy, No ; but I've had the measles. Are you in love? 



26 THE FUN REVUE 

LuELLA (sighs deeply). I never knew I could feel so 
blue. 

Sammy. Feelin' blue on circus day ? (Disgustedly.) Gte, 
ain't that jest like a woman! (Yells off.) Hey Skin-nay! 
Wait a min-nut! (Runs off right.) 

(Lights: Stage dark; spot on Luella.) 

Solo by Luella: "Your Little Girl.'' 

Jack Dalton enters breezily from the left, pauses at cen- 
ter, and looks admiringly at Luella, zuho has sat on the 
bench at left and is moodily poking her parasol into the 
ground. Observing him, she snubs him by turning one 
shoulder toward him. 

Jack (aside). Fve been trying to meet that girl for the 
past two days, but she can't see me. (Looks at her a mo- 
ment.) By Jove, I have an idea! I'll employ my army 
training, using military tactics and terms apropos of time, 
place and situation. (Bugle call.) Aha! War is declared! 
(Military march. He goes through the motion of unsheath- 
ing a sword with his cane, which he places to shoulder; paces 
across and faces audience, down right; surord salute.) Mob- 
ilisation ! 

(Luella pretends alarm, makes face at him, opens para- 
sol and shields herself with it.) 

Jack. The enemy is already entrenched. (Marks time, 
with cane at shoulder.) 

Luella (peeking around parasol). Goodness! War is 
declared, and I am unprepared! I wonder if my hat is on 
straight. (Fixes hat.) 

Jack (in gruff voice). Captain Jack Dalton, you are 
hereby assigned to scout duty. The enemy is reported 
within a short distance of our advance guard. Reconnoiter 
her position and report to headquarters immediately. (Sa- 
lutes imaginary officer, sheaths szuord, marches across and 
back, then goes to bench.) 

(Luella keeps parasol betzueen them. He tries to peek 
at her several times, but each time she foils him zvith para- 
sol. Jack turns his back to her and faces audience, mark- 



THE FUN REVUE 27 

iiii/ time. As he does this, Luella lozvers parasol, takes out 
powder puff and powders face. He slyly turns and sees her, 
then mareJies briskly across right and salutes.) 

Jack. I have the honor to report that the enemy is 
strongly entrenched behind a strong fortification of red 
parasol, and (Luella again powders nose) appears to be 
well supplied with ammunition. (Music stops.) Especially 
smokeless powder. (In gruff voice.) Captain, you must 
take the enemy at any cost! (He salutes. Bugle call.) The 
advance! (With hand at sword hilt, Jack creeps stealthily 
tozi^ard bench, and Luella shrieks. She peeks around para- 
sol and makes a face at him. He runs back in comedy 
alarm.) 

Jack (hurrying rigJit). The retreat is made for strategic 
reasons. (Salutes.) General, the enemy appears to be too 
strongly fortified to attack with the force now under my 
command. Have you any further orders? (Gruffly.) Cap- 
tain Jack Dalton, my compliments for your conduct on scout 
duty, and you are hereby ordered to lay siege to the enemy, 
and starve her out ! 

Luella (screams). Starve me out? Horrible! 

Jack (gruffly). You are not to take her to soda 

fountain (locali:;e) until she surrenders. 

Luella. Oh, dear me ! 

Jack (to her). Enemy, there is the ultimatum. The 
siege commences. I shall have to starve you out. 

Luella. Scoundrel ! 

Jack. The enemy opens the engagement with one small 
calibre gun. 

Luella (rapidly). You villain! How dare you presume 
to annoy me in this manner? It is cowardly of you to per- 
sist in inflicting yourself and your odious attentions upon 
me. I am sure I never gave you the least encouragement 
for you to assume that your presence would be welcome to 
me. You are no gentleman, otherwise you would recog- 
nize the fact that my only desire is to be alone, alone! 

Jack. The enemy now employs a rapid-fire machine gun. 
Three thousand shots a minute. 

Luella. Brute! 



28 THE FUN REVUE 

Jack. Forty-two centimetre. 

LuELLA (pauses and sigJis). Oh, dear. Isn't a siege 
dreadful thing. 

Jack. Terrible. Starving to death is worse than being 
half shot. 

LuELLA. And some of those sieges lasted a very long 
time, didn't they? 

Jack. They sure did. Look at the siege of Paris — six 
months. Siege of Ladysmith two years. Port Arthur — nine 
years. 

LuELLA. Goodness me ! Pm beginning to feel the effects 
of this already. (Pauses, sighs and moves to far end of 
bench.) 

Jack (sits by her). War isn't so bad, after all. (Puts 
left arm around her.) The enemy is almost surrounded by 
our left wing. (Squeezes her.) We are advancing rapidly 
in close formation. (Gets up, crosses briskly doivn right, 
and salutes.) General, we have met the enemy and she is 
ours. 

LuELLA (Jias arisen during his cross and gone to extreme 
left.) Oh, no, she isn't. 

Jack. Why not? 

LuELLA (laughing). You forgot tO' sign the armistice! 
(Quick exit left.) 

Enter Susie, Daisy and four'or six other Playground 
Girls. They step into t'/Vtc just in time to see Luella go, 
and they laugh heartily at Jack. 

Susie (laughing). Oh, girls! Did you see what I saw? 

Girls (in unison). We'll say we did! (All laugh.) 

Daisy (laughing). Oh, girls! Did you hear what she 
said ? 

Girls (in unison). We'll say we did! (All laugh.) 

Jack. Are you laughing at me? 

Girls (in unison). We'll say we are! (All laugh.) 

Jack. So you're giving me the ha-ha. 

Susie. That's about all we can give you. 

Jack. Is that so ! Well, you ought to have seen me 
when I was in Spain, with Carmen. 



THE FUN REVUE 29 

Girls (m unison). Carmen? 

Jack. That's right. With Carmen ; she was absolutely 
charmin'. 

Solo and chorus by Jack and Girls: "Carmen, She Was 
Absolutely Charmin' f' 

(If desired, a chorus gro^tp of Spanish dancing girls, imfh 
tambourines and castanets, may be introduced. Introducing 
a girl dancer to do a cJiaracteristic Spanish solo dance, 
ivliile Jack sings the chorus, or as an interlude befzveen the 
first and second verses, also zvill prove effective. At close 
of number all exeunt, leaznng empty stage.) 

Jazbo Jones enters, singing the last fezv zvords of the 
chorus of ''Carmen, She Was Absolutely Charrnin','' zvith- 
out musical accompaniment. He zvalks aimlessly to the foot- 
lights and stands staring stupidly at the orchestra leader. 

Leader. Here, you! Get off the stage! 

Jazbo. Who ? 

Leader. You ! 

Jazbo. Me ? 

Leader. Yes, you! 

Jazbo. What fo'? 

Leader. We don't want any stage hands coming out here 
spoiHng the show. 

Jazbo. Law, man, Ah ain't no stage hand. 

Leader. What are you? 

Jazbo. Ah is the stage expector. 

Leader. Don't try to tell me you're the stage director. 

Why, Mr. {name) is the stage director for this show, 

and everybody knows it. 

Jazbo. Ah ain't said stage "director." Ah is the stage 
expector. 

Leader (sarcastically). Stage expector! The idea! 
There's no such thing. 

Jazbo. Man, you is hyah to 'tend strictly to yo' own 
business, and not to reveal yo' ignorance. 

Leader. What are you doing out here on the stage? 
What is this job of stage expector, anyway? 



30 THE FUN REVUE 

Jazbo. What is Ah doin' out hyah on the stage? 

Leader. Yes. What are you doing out here on the stage ? 

Jazbo. Standin' hyah. 

Leader. Don't you know that Miss — (name) is supposed 
to sing her solo now? 

Jazbo. Yas, suh, she is s'posed to. But s'posed to ain't 
is. 

Leader. How can she sing while you are spoiling the 
show? 

Jazbo. Well, boss, you see she wasn't jest quite com- 
pletely ready. She had to borrow a safety pin. So Mistah 
— (name of stage manager) says to me, ''Jazbo/' he says, 
"go out and hold the audience." 'Tain't often a man gits 
a chance to hold a full house. 

Leader. But what about this job of stage expector? 

Jazbo. Well, Miss — (name) ain't hyah to sing her song 
now, but Ah expect ^er. 

Leader. Aren't you going to tell a funny story, or some- 
thing ? 

Jazbo. You reckon the audience would like me to tell a 
funny story? 

Leader. Of course they would. Do you think they want 
you to stand up there and look foolish? 

Jazbo. Not when the awchestra leader is in full view. 
Well, hyah's a good one. They was two travelin' men met 
each otheh down to the — — Hotel (localice), an' one of 
'em says to the otheh — 

Leader. No, no, don't tell that one ! 

Jazbo. Why not tell that one? It's a funny one. 

Leader. Respectable people won't listen to a story like 
that. 

Jazbo. You listened to it with both ears pinned back, 
when Ah told it out in the alley. Ah don't know no otheh 
stories. 

Leader. Well, then tell some riddles. 

Jazbo. Don't know no riddles. 

Leader. I'll tell you one. Lean over so I can whisper it. 

Jazbo. Another one of them travelin' man stories, eh? 



THE FUN REVUE 31 

Leader. No, but I have to whisper it so you can spring- 
it on the audience. They don't want to hear me tell it. 
You want to make them laugh ; surprise them. 

Jazbo. If one of your jokes makes 'em laugh, it'll sur- 
prise everybody. 

Leader. Never mind that. Now, listen. (Jazbo leans 
forzi'ard mid Leader zMspcrs to him across the footlights.) 

Jazbo (grinning and straightening up). That's a good 
one. That'll make 'em laugh. (To audience.) Now, audi- 
ence, I will make you laugh. (CJiuckling.) This is a good 
one, this is. Now, listen. Get this. Why is a — why is a 
oyster — why is a oyster like a — (hesitates, then turns to 
Leader). How does that dog-gone joke go, anyway? 

Leader. You've got it all mixed up. It isn't "why Is an 
oyster like" anything. It is simply, what is an oyster? 

Jazbo. Oh, yes. (To audience.) It is simply what is an 
oyster? (Pause.) That part ain't so funny, but wait till 
you hear the rest of it. It is simply what is an oyster? 
(Pause.) Now, wait. Get this. You'll laugh your head off. 
What is an oyster? (Pause.) Give it up? (Bursts into un- 
controlled laughter.) 

Leader. Well, go ahead and spring it! 

Jazbo (struggling to keep from laughing). What is an 
oyster? The answer is, an oyster is — an oyster is — (his 
laughter fades away and he looks zwrried.) An oyster is — 
(to Leader). You went and made me fo'get the answer. 

Leader. You don't know how to tell a joke, anyway. 
You ask me what is an oyster, and I'll tell you, and then 
we can go on with the show. Come on, now. Make it 
snappy ! 

Iazbo (aggrieved). Ah knows how to tell a joke,^ all 
right. But how kin anybody tell a joke when they fo'get 
what the joke is? 

Leader. Never mind. Go ahead and ask me, what is an 
oyster. 

Jazbo. Well, then, George (use Leader's first name), 
what is an oyster? 

Leader. An oyster is a lish built like a nut. 



22 THE FUN REVUE 

Orclicsfra goes loudly to introduction of next song. Anne 
enters from the left and Jazbo exits right. Before the in- 
troduction is finished, Jazbo re-enters hastily and goes up 
to Anne. 

Jazbo. Wait a minute, Miss — (uses her real name). 
(Music stops.) 

Anne. What's the matter now? 

Jazbo. Ah jest thought of a joke. 

Anne. You just tried tO' tell a joke. And a fine mess 
you made of it, too ! 

Jazbo. Ah didn't make no mess of it. It was a mess be- 
fo' Ah told it. That was one of George's jokes. Ah just 
thought up one of mah own. 

Anne. Well, hurry up and tell it. 

Jazbo. Listen. It goes like this : Why is an 03'ster like — 

Anne (interrupting). You just told that one. 

Jazbo. This ain't the same oyster. The joke is, why is 
George like an oyster? 

Anne. That sounds like the same joke. 

Jazbo. Ah know. The question is almost synonymous. 
But the answer is mah own invention. Now you ask me, 
why is George like an oyster? 

Anne. Well, why is Mr. — (use Leader's surname) 
like an oyster? 

Jazbo, The poor fish is cracked like a nut. 

(Leader makes gesture as if to tliroiv ziolin at Jazbo, 
who makes a quick running exit, right.) 
Solo by Anne. 

(The choice of this song is entirely optional zvith the stage 
director and the soloist. It is a good position for a "kid" 
song, for which Anne inay have retained her playground 
attire. Or she may appear with changed costmne.) 

Just before Anne finishes singing, Mr. Jingling enters 
from the rig Jit and stands quietly near the zvings, watcJiing 
her. She starts right, as though to exit, and he intercepts 
her. 

Jingling (suavely). Well, little girl, you have a remark- 
able voice. You ought to go into the profession. 



THE FUN REVUE 33 

Anne (timidly). It's getting late, and I ought to go 
home, and not talk to strangers. 

Jingling. Oh, no. Good little girls don't go home. They 
wait till they die, and then they go to heaven. And do you 
know where bad little girls go? 

Anne. They go to the Station (local) to meet the 

traveling men. 

Jingling. Don't you know who I am? 

Anne. No; who are you? 

Jingling (proudly). You are now looking upon the 
countenance of the one and only George W. JingHng, sole 
owner and manager of Jingling's Grand Imperial Circus, 
Side Show and Carnival — positively the greatest, grandest 
and most gorgeous exhibition under this or any other can- 
vas. 

Anne (not impressed) . You don't say. That's a cute 
vest you have on ; but rather hard on the eyes. 

Jingling. I guess 3^ou don't understand. I am George 
W. Jingling, the George W. Jingling, known the world over 
as the greatest circus man in the history of civilization ! 

Anne. Oh; are you the clown? 

Jingling. Clown? I should say not! I hold the most 
responsible position on the lot. 

Anne. You don't say so. 

Jingling. I am the barker. 

Anne. Barker? Then it's a dog and pony show? 

Jingling. Not at all. My work is very difficult. I stand 
outside and holler while the people buy the tickets. 

Anne. Then you can take a day off. When we sold 
tickets for the Fun Revue, the people did enough hollering 
themselves. (Looks off right.) Why, they have the tent up 
already! (Beating of bass drum is heard off right.) And 
what a lot of funnv looking people! What are they going 
to do? 

Jingling. Young lady, the ballyhoo is just about to begin. 

Anne. Bally what? 

(Fast circus music starts softly, and increases.) 

Jingling. The ballyhoo ; the spiel ; the bunk ; the good 



34 THE FUN REVUE 

old hokum. Beware of pickpockets and well-dressed stran- 
gers, and keep your eye on little old George W. ! 

Fast circus music is nozu' very loud. Enter tzvo Clowns, 
down right, heating bass drum and cymbals, follozved by an 
irregular group of Kiddies. They march briskly across 
to left, then back to bench at right. Meantime Jingling 
nwunts the bench, and the children crowd around him. 
O tiler Kiddies keep straggling in during the following 
scene, until all are on. After Jingling begins his "spiel," 
the Clowns quietly exit, taking drum and cymbals with 
them. The Kiddies are very noisy when they enter, but all 
are quiet when "spieV starts. Lights half dozmi; spot on 
Jingling. 

Jingling (on bench at right). Well, well, well folks. 
(Music stops.) Here we are! Step right up and gather 
around, but don't crowd ! Plenty of room for all ! Now, 
ladies and gentlemen, before the main show starts under the 
big top, we are going to let you see some of the marvels 
and wonders that are in store for you when you buy your 
tickets at the door. Remembah, this performance is enter- 
taining and instructive as well as amusing, and there is noth- 
ing to offend either man, woman or child. Step right up, 
folks, and gather around for the free exhibition ! 

Lemonade Vender enters from the right, carrying a bas- 
ket of refreshments. 

Vender (shouts). Candy— -peanuts — pink lemonade! 
Nothing sold inside the big tent ! Candy — peanuts — pink 
lemonade! It's ice cold! (Several Kiddies crozvd around 
and buy from him in pantomime, during Jingling's 
"spiel.'') 

Jingling. Now, folks, I will first introduce to you one 
of the most remarkable and sensational novelties ever known 
to man ; the anthropological monstrosity that has baffled the 
medical and scientific world ; the most amazing freak that 
has ever been exhibited on this or any other platform! La- 
dies and gentlemen, I beg to introduce Zaza, the one and 
only original wild woman I 



THE FUN REVUE 35 

Loud chord, snare druin roll and cymbal crash. Zaza en- 
ters from the right, boivs and climbs on the bench a.9 Jingling 
steps dozani. Miss Fitt, eyeing Zaza curiously, enters after 
her. There are excited exclamations from the Kiddies, 
such as, ''Oh, isn't she azifuir "Well, nfhat do you think 
of that?" ''I zvish they'd put her back in the cage!" and 
other suitable comments ad lib. to make tip a 'tnoment of 
general clamor. In the midst of it Miss Fitt is heard 
shrieking, "Willy, keep away from> that creature!" 

Sammy {to Jingling). Gee, Mister, we got wilder 
women than that right around Public Square (locali::e). 

Miss Fitt (to Jingling). Professor, would you mind 
explaining why Zaza is wild? 

Jingling. Certainly, madam. We cut out her tongue, 
so she can't talk. That will make any woman wild. Now, 
Zaza, step down off the platform and go back in the tent. 
(Chord. Exit Zaza, right. Applause by all.) Ladies and 
gents, Zaza will take a leading part in the big show, and 
it's all for twenty-five cents, two dimes and a jitney, two 
bits, or a qua't'-of-a-dollah ! Next comes one of the most 
stupendous novelties ever revealed, who as a part of the 
main show will make your eyes bulge, your teeth chatter, 
your hair stand on end, and chills and fever run up and 
down your spinal column. Folks, I direct your attention 
to Mademoiselle Spinclli, the one and only Sicilian snake- 
charmer, and her poisonous pet, the fatal whang-whang 
from the banks of the dreamy Nile. Mademoiselle Spi- 
nelli ! 

Chord, roll and crash as before. Mlle. Spinelli enters 
from the right zvith monster fake snake twined about her 
neck and shoulders. The children fall back in fright. Site 
mounts the bench. 

Jingling. Ladles and gents, this little lady is the most 
fearless and intrepid person who ever flirted with death. 
Inside the big tent you will see her descend Into the ser- 
pents' pit and subdue the poisonous reptiles by the power 
of her will and the glitter of her eye. And it all costs but 



36 THE FUN REVUE 

twent3^-five cents. (Mlle. Spinellt steps down and exits 
rif/iit. Chord. Applause by all.) 

Lemonade Vender (is heard shouting from amidst the 
crowd). You can't enjoy the circus without a nice, cold 
drink ! Anybody else want one ? Candy, peanuts, popcorn, 
pink lemonade ! 

During the next speech the Balloon Man quietly enters 
from right with a big bunch of toy balloons, which he dis- 
tributes to all the crowd, as though selling balloons in panto- 
mime. 

Jingling. Ladies and gents, the free show is only half 
ovah ! I next call your attention to one of the most remark- 
able and amazing attractions ever shown in this country. 
There are thousands of imitations, but this is the one and 
only original. I refer to Fatima, the oriental dancing won- 
der, never before seen under this or any other canvas. 
Fatima ! 

Lights all down. Spotlight. Oriental dance music, zmth 
tomtom and clarinets dominant. Two Attendants enter 
from the right, carrying incense jars in upstretched arms. 
They zvalk slozuly and impressively to center, then one goes 
to extrem^e right, dozvn stage, and the other to the extreme 
left. They boza^ lozv. Fatima, a property horse, then enters, 
executes a brief comedy dance, and exits right, follozved by 
Assistants zwth incense jars. 

Jingling. Ladies and gents, these are only a few of the 
sights and wonders that will dazzle the eye and benumb 
the intellect when you have bought your tickets at the door. 
Before the box-office opens I ask you to remain but one min- 
ute more, and witness still another sample of the great 
show that is about to begin. The most mysterious and awe- 
inspiring spectacle ever shown. Remembah, the closer you 
watch the less you see, and the quickness of the hand de- 
ceives the eye ! I beg to introduce the Hindu Man ! I thank 
you for your kind attention ! 

(Music: Grand chord, follozved by soft waits in minor.) 

Hindu Man enters from right, arms folded, zmlking 
slozvly and imperiously. His Two Assistants follozv him 



THE FUN REVUE -^7 

in. First Assistant carries two silk handkerchiefs each 
about fiveli'e or fourteen inches square, a red and a blue. 
The blue has been ''faked/' as follows : It is really two blue 
handkerchiefs, sezvn together at the edges all around ex- 
cept at one corner^ where about an inch of each edge fornp- 
ing the corner has been left open, thus leaving a small open- 
ing to the bag. Inside the double handkerchief is a small 
silk American flag, about eighteen inches long. The longer 
comer of the flag, diagonally opposite to the blue field of 
stars, has been tied, by a small knot, to one of these un- 
seam corners, and the flag then pushed into the blue hand- 
kerchief. The tlirce zrhite stars in the extreme corner of 
the flag have been made blue with dye or blue ink, and this 
blue corner of the flag protrudes, hit is apparently the cor- 
ner of the blue handkerchief. When correctly arranged 
as described, the blue bag nozv looks like a plain blue silk 
handkerchief, along zmth the plain red one. The First 
Assistant carries these in one hand, with studied careless- 
ness, so that when handing them to Hindu he gets the blue 
one at the prepared corner. Second Assistant carries a 
sheet of nezvspaper, which has beeu ''faked'' as follozvs : It 
is really a double nezvspaper sheet, pasted carefully together 
along both ends and at one long side, leaving the other long 
side open. This must appear to be simply a single sheet torn 
from a nezvspaper. When Hindu enters, he carries in the 
crook of his left arm, and held in place by the folds of his 
costume, an American flag like the one concealed in blue 
double handkerchief. It has been rolled in a compact ball, 
and the last corner pinned dozmi zmth a small pin, so it will 
not spring apart prematurely. 

Hindu comes dozvn front at center. Assistants follow- 
ing him and standing slightly back of him, one at either 
side. Hindu deliberately extends right arm and shozvs 
it back and front, fingers spread apart, casually pulling back 
right sleeve zmth left hand as he does so, to shozu audience 
that nothing is hidden in his right hand. He repeats this 
same business, shozmng left hand empty and pulling left 
sleeve back at elbozv zmth right hand. As he makes this 



38 THE FUN REVUE 

gesture, his right hand takes the flag ball from left elbow. 
He should zmtch his left hand intently, just as he 
has zuatched right hand before. This helps to misdi- 
rect the attention of the audience, whose gaze will be 
fixed on outspread left hand at the moment that he gets 
flag ball with right. He now brings the hands together 
and perfonns a little rubbing motion betzveen the hands, 
pulls out the pin, and gradually develops the flag from the 
finger tips. When fully produced, he holds it up, shozvs 
back and front, lays across one arm of First Assistant. 
shozvs hands empty as before, and bozm gracefully. Crozvd 
applauds zuhcn trick is completed. (Note: Hindu /^rr- 
forms this sleight-of-hand act directly to real audience, all 
those on stage zviio do not take active part in this specialty 
having drawn up stage and zimtching him zvith intent in- 
terest. Thus his back is really turned to them, which is 
of course contrary to zvhat it zmtdd be in real life. But the 
purpose is to mystify your audience, and the incongruity is 
permissible. So Hindu must perform to the real audience, 
not to his make-believe spectators on the stage.) 

After the applause folWzuing flag production, Hindu takes 
red and blue handkerchiefs from First Assistant, casu- 
ally shows them: as unprepared, and "ties them together," 
fastening a corner of the red silk to the blue corner of flag 
protruding from double blue. He then zimds them together, 
zinth the red outside, taking care that the flag is not pre- 
maturely pulled out, and beckons to First Clown, zuho 
steps forzimrd. Hindu places the crumpled tied silks in 
one hand of Clown and has him hold this hand well aloft, 
thus keeping the crumpled silks in fidl viczv of audience. 
Hindu nozv takes nezvspaper from Second Assistant, 
casually shows it unprepared, and forms a cornucopia with 
it, taking care that the open edge of double sheet forms the 
top edge of cornucopia. Under pretext of smoothing inte- 
rior of cornucopia and perfecting its shape, he separates 
the tzvo sheets, so that the inside of the double sheet be- 
comes the inside of the cornucopia. Points cornucopia 
tozvard audience so they can see it is empty, takes flag from 



I 



THE FUN REVUE 39 

First Assistant and places it inside of cornucopia, push- 
ing it well dozvn. Beckons Second Clown to come for- 
ward and places cornucopia in his hand, and has him hold 
it aloft. Assistants quietly exeunt right. Clowns stand 
close to footlights, right and left respectively. Hindu, with 
empty hands, makes iftipressive gestures, as though he is 
Causing the flag to pass front First Clown's hand to Sec- 
ond Clown's hand. Steps quickly to First Clown, 
snatches cornucopia from him, opens the paper out flat 
and shozvs it empty. (Flag is hctiveen the two sheets and 
bulge in crumpled paper zuill not be noticed.) As soon as 
he has shozvn paper clearly empty he crumples it up care- 
lessly and hands it to First Clown. Steps across to Sec- 
ond Clown, takes a corner of red handkerchief and pulls 
it zvith a szveeping gesture, Clown releasing the crumpled 
silks. The jerk pulls flag out of double blue silk, and the 
three are shozvn tied together, flag between red and blue 
silks. Flag apparently has passed from cornucopia and 
tied itself between handkerchiefs. ETindu shozus the tied 
silks, zvith a gracefid bozv, and hands them- to Second 
Clown. Applause. Clowns quietly exeunt left. 

As the Clowns exit, the First and Second Assistants 
cjiter rigJit, carrying a light couch (a folding camp cot zvill 
do), covered zvith a rich drapery or spread that is large 
enough to reach the floor. They place it at center, parallel 
zvith footlights. Hindu takes a crystal from, couch, impres- 
sively beckons to one of the Playground Girls {preferably 
a small one), zvho steps timidly forzvard. He faces her, 
gazes sternly in her eyes, holds crystal in front of her face 
and makes a fezv slozv hypnotic passes. She closes her 
eyes, becomes rigid, tips backzvard and is caught by First 
Assistant. Second Assistant lifts her by her feet, 
and First Assistant liolds her u-p by ilie shoulders; 
Hindu remoz'cs large scarf from couch and Assistants 
gently lay Girl on couch. Hindu makes a fezv more passes 
over her, then takes one corner of scarf, hands First As- 
sistant another corner and they hold scarf in front of 
couch and Girl. Music grozvs loud and fast. Hindu 



40 THE FUN REVUE 

shakes the scarf to make it ripple and shouts ''Go!" snatch- 
ing scarf azuay and shozmng that Girl has vanished. Music 
stops. [She has simply rolled off the back edge of conch 
as soon as concealed by scarf and is lying on the floor.) 
Loud applause. Hindu throws scarf on couch and bows. 
As soon as the vanish has created its full effect and the 
applause of tJie audience has subsided^ Assistants pick up 
couch and exit zvith it right, slwwing girl on floor. (This 
business must be 'timed at exactly the right moment, to get 
the full effect. Be guided by the response of the audience. 
Do not do it too quickly. Also, do not start dialogue until 
laughter has subsided, as this burlesque magic comedy bit is 
sure-fire.) 

Girl (sitting up, and looking up, dazed, at Hindu). 
Say, who are you, anyway? 

Hindu. Don't you know? Why, I'm the Hindu Man! 

Solo by Hindu Man : "Hindu Man'' with ensemble 
chorus. 

(For this number all the participants in Part I are 
brought in, and the dances, drills and groupings are op- 
tional zvith the stage director. An excellent effect is had 
by all the chorus having toy balloons and hold them in 
"crystal gazing" fashion zvhile singing the chorus. This is 
your Part I finale. IVork up the ensemble in spectacular 
style, and with as much flash as possible. If your director 
is not experienced in staging production numbers, it will 
be zvell to have Hindu sing one verse and one chorus, zvith 
all players grouped as attractively as possible and zuatching 
him with keen interest. Then repeat chorus, full ensemble, 
once through, and — ) 

Slow Curtain, 



THE FUN REVUE 41 

Part Two. 

"PITY THE SAILORS ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS." 

Scene: A city street, in one (in front of curtain). 

Enter Pete and Skeet, in sailor uniforms, singing: 

Sailing, sailing, over the bounding main, 

For many a stormy wind shall blow, ere Jack comes home 

again. 
Sailing, saiHng, over the bright blue sea ; 
To see a schooner cross the bar, that is the life for me. 

Sailing, sailing, all around the town ; 

Whenever we try to pick 'em up, they always throw us 

down. 
Sailing, sailing, we are the gallant crew 
A cruising half-seas over on the good ship Fun Revue. 
(Music stops.) 

(The music is the refrain of ''Sailing/' found on page 2/ 
of ''The Golden Book of Favorite Songs.") 

Skeet (continues to sing, unaccompanied). Sailing, sail- 
ing, over the — 

Pete (interrupting). Here, what's the matter with you? 
The song is finished. 

Skeet. I know it. I was singing the encore. 

Pete. The encore? You should wait for the audience to 
applaud before you sing an encore. 

Skeet. I wasn't taking any chances. 

Pete. I suppose you think that's funny? 

Skeet. I'd think it was funny if we got an encore, with 
you singing. 

Pete. Never mind my singing. 

Skeet. I don't mind it ; I'm used to it. 

Pete. I've heard enough about that song. 

Skeet. I guess the audience has heard about enough 
of it, too. 

Pete. \\'hoever told you you were an actor? 



42 THE FUN REVUE 

Skeet. Nobody. I just came out liere so you wouldn't 
get all the blame for the song. 

Pete. You're a fine looking sailor, you are ! 

Skeet. Sh! This is only a disguise! I'm not a sailor. 

Pete. Not a sailor? 

Skeet. No, indeed. 

Pete. What are you — a detective? 

Skeet. Sh ! Pm a breath detector for the government, 

Pete. Do you wear a badge? 

Skeet. No ; a gas mask. 

Pete. How did you get the job? 

Skeet. Pm very fond of reading. 

Pete. Oh. come off ! What has reading got to do with 
breath detecting? 
yr Skeet. You have to know all the best cellars. 
X Pete. Did you get the appointment through the civil 
service? 

Skeet. No; it was a different law that got me the job. 

Pete. What law was that? 

Skeet. The law of the survival of the fittest. 

Pete. Are there any other requirements? 

Skeet. You have to have a musical education. 

Pete. Do you expect me to believe that? 

Skeet. Sure. A breath detector has to recognize the 
songs of all the different nations. 

Pete. What's the idea? 

Skeet. Well, there's the national air of Italy, for ex- 
ample. 

Pete. The national air of Italy? 

Skeet. Sure; garlic. 

Pete. You can't arrest a person for eating garlic. 

Skeet. I can if I detect it on their breath. 

Pete. Why, nobody can eat garlic and conceal it. 

Skeet. Oh, yes, they can. 

Pete. How can they? 

Skeet. Eat at the (local hotel or restaurant) and 

I'll never detect it on your breath. 

Pete. How come? 



THE FUN REVUE 43 

Skeet. They charge you so much it'll take your breath 
away. 

Pete. "What would you do if you found I had been 
drinking? 

Skeet. I'd be sorry I hadn't met you sooner. 

Pete. You don't mean to say you ever drink anything? 

Skeet. Yep ; anything, 

Pete. I never drink anything stronger than coffee. 

Skeet. Oh, I can't touch that stuff. I have a brother 
who is a confirmed coft'ee drinker, and he hasn't slept a 
night for nearly four years. 

Pete. He hasn't! How does he stand it? 

Skeet. He's a night watchman and sleeps in the day- 
time. 

Pete. Not so bad. But I want to ask you a question. 

Skeet. Go ahead and ask it. 

Pete. Doesn't your job give you a lot of queer experi- 
ences ? ' 

Skeet. Fll say it does. Listen. Last week I pinched a 
guy with, a quart bottle on his hip. 

Pete. A quart bottle. 

Skeet. I asked him what it was. He said it was Scotch 
whisky. 

Pete. Was it real Scotch? 

Skeet. Was it Scotch ? One drink and I started to sing 
"The Campbells are Coming." Another drink, and I started 
counting the camels. 

Pete. Don't you know the camel is the symbol of pro- 
hibition ? 

Skeet. "Simple" is right. 

Pete. I didn't say ''simple" ; I said "symbol." A camel 
will go nine days without a drink. 

Skeet. Of course it will. And don't you know the camel 
is the most unintelligent animal that ever came out of the 
ark? 

Pete. What makes you think so? 

Skeet. The camel is the only animal in a circus me- 
nagerie that nobody has ever been able to teach to do tricks. 



44 THE FUN REVUE 

Pete. Not so good. But now that you're back in town, 
aren't you going to come back to my wife's boarding house? 

Skeet. Your wife's boarding house? 

Pete. Why, yes. Don't you remember when you used 
to board at our house? 

Skeet. Don't I? I wish I coukl forget it. Your wife 
was a nice woman, but she ran the worst boarding house I 
ever saw. 

Pete. Well, I like that ! 

Skeet. Well, I didn't like it. 

Pete. Then why didn't you leave? 

Skeet. Leave? Say, I got so weak I couldn't leave. 

Pete. The idea ! 

Skeet. I got so thin I had to wear a pad under my sus- 
penders to keep my shoulder blades from cutting them in 
two. 

Pete. Impossible. 

Skeet. Yes, the place was impossible. When dinner 
was ready the cook used to wring a towel instead of a bell. 

Pete. You're making light of my wife's cooking. 

Skeet. Your wife's cooking was so light I couldn't keep 
it down. But that wasn't all. I didn't mind getting hash 
every day, but when she put prunes in it on Sunday and 
called it plum pudding, that was going too far. 

Pete. There's one thing my wife prides herself on, and 
that's her cofifee. 

Skeet. Her coffee? Say, her coffee was so weak she 
had to give it a tonic to make it come to the table. But the 
butter was strong enough. 

Pete. I want you to understand that my wife has good 
butter ! 

Skeet. Maybe. But she keeps it from the boarders. 
And those pies ! They were awful ! 

Pete. Maybe you don't know that my wife was making 
pies when she was a little girl. 

Skeet. I guess those were the pies we got hold of. 

Pete. Pve heard enough of my wife's boarding house. 
Do you understand ? 

Skeet. Pve had enough of it, too. We will now render 



THE FUN REVUE 45 

that popular ballad entitled, "I never knew what love could 
do, till you sued me for breach-of-promise." 

Song by Pete and Skeet, "Soon I'll be the Czar of Zan- 
zibar," and quick exit. 

Part Three. 

"RHYTHM A LA MODE." 

Curtain zvhich served as baek drop for Part II rises and 
reveals a palace interior or zvoodland exterior, full stage. 

There is no dialogue in Part III, this act consisting of a 
program of dancing and vocal and instrumental music, the 
details of which are optional. See introductory notes. 

The curtain nrhich falls at the conclusion of Part III is 
hung "in one," so that zvhen it descends it leaves the narrow 
strip of stage by the footlights ready for the presentation 

of— 

Part Four. 
"SOME SHEET MUSIC COVERS." 

The curtain against which this scene is given should be, 
if possible, a pUish drop, hanging in loose folds, and with a 
division at the center through which the characters come 
and go. These directions assume that such a drop is used, 
through a street or conservatory or ballroom drop, or any 
other curtain '^in one" may be used, the players making en- 
trances and exits either at right or left as convenient. 

The act opens zvith lights up full. Music: A chord. 
The Man enters through opening in curtain and recites this 
prologue: 

The Man. Now, friends and music lovers, 
We'll bring in quick review 
Some living music covers 
For the songs we sing to you. 

And this will also introduce 
Some members of our show. 



46 THE FUN REVUE 

They'll hold the stage a moment, 
And then away they'll go. 

You'll soon forget our faces and 

You'll soon forget our play ; 
But when the show is over, and 

You all have gone away, 

If the mem'ry of this nonsense 

Brings back a smile or two, 
We'll know we've entertained you 

With our home-made Fun Revue. 

(While reciting the prologue he moves casually to the 
left, zvell azuay from the center, and as he finishes, the stage 
is darkened, spot light is throzvn on center, music starts, 
and — ) 

Mary enters through the curtain, into the spot. She 
takes an attractive picture pose, zvhich she holds for a 
moment, zifhile the orchestra completes the introduction. 

{He sings the chorus of "Mary" once through, she mean- 
zvhile executing a fezv dainty little dance steps, and timing 
this so that she gets hack to center, ready for quick exit, 
just before the finish. For finish she resumes original 
pose, zvhich She holds a moment, zuhile orchestra holds final 
note of chorus. Then she exits quickly through curtain. 
Lights up.) 

The Mx\n (recites). 

I know you like Mary, for she is the kind 

Who can put your head in a whirl. 
I have sung you the song of an old-fashioned name ; 

Now I'll show you an old-fashioned girl. 

(He steps aside and points tozvard center, stage is dark- 
ened, pink spot is throzvn on center^ and orchestra plays 
chord as before.) 

Annie enters through curtain into spot, holds old-fash- 
ioned pose for a moment, then he steps forzuard gallantly 
and takes the tip of her hand and escorts her to footlights. 



THE Fl^N REVUK 47 

{They waltz to the cJiorus 'of ''Little Annie Rooncy," 
while he sings the zvords. They should do the straight old- 
fashioned limit::, zvith no fancy or modern steps; their posi- 
tions may be somewhat stiff, to get a slightly humorous 
effect, hut the dance should not be burlesqued. He brings 
her back to center at finish, where he releases her hand and 
steps azvay, and she takes her first pose, smiling demurely 
at hint, wliile orchestra holds final note. She exits quickly 
through curtain. Lights up.) 
The Man (recites). 

We're all fond of Annie, the old-fashioned girl, 

With manner demure and sedate. 
But now, by your leave, we will bring into view 
A type that is more up to date. 
(Lights, introductory music and business as before.) 

Peggy enters through curtain into zvhite spot, and holds 
pose. 

(He sings the chorus while she executes a dance, whicJi 
should be more pretentious than that of Mary. She poses 
and exits in same manner as the others. Lights up.) 
The Man (recites). 

The modern girl is full of pep ; 

She's always sure to please. 
We've seen the kind we have at home. 
Now let's look overseas. 
(Music and business. Dim orange stage lights; wJiitc 
spot.) 

Cherie enters through curtain into zvhite spot, and poses. 
He then advances briskly to her and they do a spectacular 
fox trot together, while he sings the chorus. He steps aside 
as she poses and exits at close of song. 

The Man (recites). 
They're lovely and charming, though some may be vain, 

Those mademoiselles from dear France. 
But if you will come with me down into Spain 

I'll show you the kind that can dance. 

(Music and business. Dim red stage lights; zvhite spot.) 



48 TflE FUN REVUE 

Carmen enters through curtain into zvhite spot, and poses. 
She then executes a charactertistic Spanish dance, with 
castanets or tarnbourine, while he sings the chorus of ''Car- 
men, She Was Absolutely Charmin'f He steps aside and 
she poses and exits at finish. 

The Man {recites). 

We haven't time for May or Flo 

Or Genevieve or Trixy, 
But no revue would be complete 

Without a girl from Dixie. 

(Mnsic and business. Red, zvhite and blue stage lights, 
dim; zvhite spot.) 

Virginia enters through curtain into zvhite spot, and 
poses. While he sings the chorus of "Virginia Lee," she 
dances tJie schottische. On the last line of the chorus he 
takes center, holds out his hands to her and she comes to 
him, shyly and smilingly, and places her hands in his. To- 
gether they pose the final picture, and both exeunt quickly 
through curtoAn. Lights all up. 

{For encore: Music, one chorus of "Virginia Lee." 
Lights all up. The Man enters through center of curtain, 
singing chorus. Mary, singing, follozvs him in. He takes 
Jier hand as she comes through, and gracefully directs her 
to go right. Annie, singing, enters in the same zvay, and 
he escorts her tozuard the left. Then comes Peggy, whom 
he guides farther right than Mary; then Cherie, farther 
left than Annie^ Carmen, to extreme right, and Virginia, 
to extreme left. Each girl joins in singing as she enters. 
W^hen Virginia comes on he accompanies her to extreme 
left, and all exit, in closely formed line, right. Carmen first 
and The Man last. This must be timed so that entrances 
zvill be equally spaced, and exit is finished just as chorus 
ends, and the curtain is raised to reveal — ) 



THE FUN REVUE 49 

Part Five 
THE BOOTLEGGER'S BRIDE 

Scene: Drawing room or ball room, full stage. Large 
arched entrance center, and doors right and left. A piano 
dozvn extreme left. A small table dozvn extreme right. A 
fezv chairs, and decorations ad lib. The stage shoidd be as 
clear as possible to allozv for freedom of action, zvith just 
cnougJi furniture and decorations to make it appear properly 
dressed. 

Lights. Up full. 

Music. Soft, dreamy zi^altz for rise. 

The curtain against zvhich Part IV zvas given is raised, 
or drazvn apart, revealing Marie flitting daintily about, 
K'altzing to the music and dusting the furniture zvith a 
feather duster. After a moment Mose enters deliberately, 
from right. He is eating from a dish of ice cream zvhich 
lie has in his hand, and this takes his entire attention. 

Marie (noticing him). Oo, la-la! (Music stops.) Is 
ze big black man preepared for ze wedding? 

Mose. Lady, Ah is a butler what has buttled fo' de best 
famblies, an' mah middle cognomen is preeparedness. Ah 
is preepared fo' anything. (Eats.) 

Marie. But eez eet not sad? For Mees Polly to wed 
ze homely Meestair Cashbonds, when her heart eet break 
for love wiz handsome Meestair Hallroom? 

Mose. Mam'selle, mah job am to buttle wid neatness an' 
dispatch, not to interrogate into de whichness of de what. 
(Eats.) 

Marie. But ees not love wondairful, and marriage a 
tragedy ? 

Mose. Gal, you said consid'able. Ah been married mah- 
self, an' believe me, too much is plenty. (Eats.) 

Marie. Men ! Black an' white, zey all ze same. Al- 
ways zey sink of nossing but ze stomach! (Pettishly.) 
Pourquois you no bring me ze glace, aussi? 



50 THE FUN REVUE 

MosE. Poorqaw Ah don't fetch you no grub? (Eats.) 
Well, Ah ain't got enough to pass around, so Ah guess 
Ah'll keep it all fo' mahself. (Music, introduction.) (MosE 
puts dish on tabic and advances to footlights.) 

Marie (scornfidly). Poo-poo for you! (Shrugs, and 
exits right.) 

Solo by Mose: "I Ain't Got Enough to Pass Around." 

After song there is a loud knocking off center, and Marie 
enters from right. 

Marie (to Mose). Somebody ees knocking. Do you 
not hear? 

Mose. Ah never was to a weddin' in mah life where Ah 
didn't hear a lot of knockin'. (Exits through center door 
to admit guests. Marie takes dish from table and exits 
right. ) 

Music, the chorus of any lively fox trot. Dolly and 
Will, Molly and Tom, May and Dick, Fay and Jim, fol- 
lowed by other Guests, enter in couples, through center 
door, dancing in ballroom style. They enter as rapidly as 
possible, each couple continuing dancing until all are on 
stage. Repeat chorus as often as necessary, but tzvice 
through should be enough to bring them all on. Music stops 
at end of chorus after all are on. 

Will. Well, here we are, all ready for the wedding! 

Dolly. Yes, and I'm just dying to see the bride. 

Molly. Oh, isn't it simply wonderful to be a bride ! 

May. But I don't think Polly really loves Mr. Cashbonds. 

Fay. Of course not, silly. How could anyone love himf 
He's perfectly awful ! 

Tom. Then why is she marrying him? 

Molly. Why he's fabulously rich. Don't you know 
that ? 

Tom. Since when? 

Molly. Just lately. 

Tom. How did he get rich so quick? 

Molly (mysteriously, putting finger to lips). S-s-h ! (All 
lean forward eagerly.) They call her the bootlegger's bride! 



THE FUN REVUE 51 

{The other girls exclaim, "Oh, isn't that awful!" "How 
perfectly terrible T "HorrihleT etc.) 

Dick. I always thought that Harry Hallroom was the 
man she really loved. 

May. That's right. They're perfectly crazy about each 
other. 

Dick. Poor Harry. Well, I guess it can't be helped. 
How about having a little serenade for the bride, while 
we're waiting? 

Song by Quartet: "Croonin' Neath the Cotton-Pickin' 
Moon/' 

(During the specialty, the guests are grouped informally 
about the room-, with interest centered on the quartet sing- 
ers, who arc at the piano; at finish — ) 

Cashbonds enters pompously through center door. All 
are polite but chilly to him. 

Cashbonds. Well, folks, I see you're all here, waitin' 
for the weddin'. Howdy do, everybody? 

All (distantly). Good evening, Mr. Cashbonds. 

Cashbonds. Where's the bride? 

Dolly. The bride doesn't generally appear before the 
wedding, Mr. Cashbonds. 

Cashbonds. Oh, she don't, hey? Well, she ought to. 
Ain't every girl that gets the honor of being the bride of 
Cuthbert Cashbonds. 

Molly (aside). Isn't he terrible! (Other girls nod 
assent.) 

Cashbonds. I s'pose she's nervous. Just like a woman. 
Weddin's don't excite me ; not even my own. (As he starts 
this speech he comes dozim to footlights and delivers it in 
regidar monologue style. The guests, in couples, gradually 
wander off the stage, using all three exits.) I was to a 
weddin' the other night. Friend of mine gettin' married. 
It was his second offense. He lost his first wife — in a 
crowd. He never went back to look for her. The bride 
had been married before, too. Three times ; once for love 
an' twice for general housework. It was a big party. I 



52 THE FUN REVUE 

mean the bride was a big- party. She weighed two hundred 
and ninety-six pounds ; four pounds less than a horse. I 
was the best man. They wanted to have me give the bride 
away. I refused. Of course, I could have given her away; 
but I kept my mouth shut. It's only rich guys like me 
that can get married nowadays. It's pretty tough to have 
to pay forty cents for a pound of steak. And if you pay 
twenty, it's tougher yet. And the houses they build now- 
adays ain't no good. They built an apartment house over 

in {nearby tozvn) that was such a bum piece of work 

that the tenants wouldn't pay their rent. The building 
settled, but nobody else would. The plaster all fell off the 
ceilings. The only thing that stayed up was the rent. (Looks 
around.) Well, if they ain't all went and left me! I'll 
look around and see if I can't sell somebody a quart. (Exit 
left.) 

Bell rings off center. Marie enters right and crosses to 
center door, zvhere she meets Harry. 

Marie. Meestair Harry Hallroom ! Why do you come 
here now? 

Harry. I want to see Miss Polly, Marie. Tell her I 

have come to say goodbye. 

Marie. I do not know eef she can come 

Harry. Just tell her I'm here. I'll wait. 

Marie. Oui, M'sieur. (She curtseys and exits center 
door.) 

(Harry takes a photograph from his pocket and gaizes 

at it, then half -sits on edge of table. Stage dark; white 
spot on Harry.) 

Solo by Harry : ''The Sunbeam and the Moonbeam." 

(He sings the first verse and chorus. The chorus is re- 
peated, Harry remaining silent, and Polly singing off stage. 
Her voice grows louder as she approaches, and she enters 
througli center door as she sings the zvords, "And love was 
born that Sunday morn." Harry listens in rapt attention 
when he hears her sing. He approaches door, the spot fol- 
lowing him so that it is full on door, with Harry at the 



THE FUN REVUE 53 

side, as Polly enters. They sing the second verse in dia- 
logue form, lie taking the first and third lines, and she the 
second and fourth. They sing tJie chorus together, either 
in harmony or unison. They should keep close together, 
to remain in spotlight. Both remain on stage at finish. 
Stage lights up full.) 

Polly. Why did you come here? It only means un- 
happiness for both of us. 

Harry. Didn't you want to even say goodbye? 

Polly. My heart is broken ! 

Harry. It is not too late ! Polly, how can you scorn 
my poor but honest love for the wealth of Cuthbert Cash- 
bonds, the bootlegger? 

(Music, very softly, "Soldier's FarczvelV or ''Hozv Can 
I Leave Thee'?") 

Polly. It is my parents' wish. You know I must wed 
him to save my father from ruin. 

Harry. Then I have no chance ? You no longer love 
me? 

Polly (sadly). I love you with all my heart. But 
there's not a chance. 

Harry (brokenly). Then — goodbye, forever ! (He kisses 
her Jiand, bozvijig lozv, and exits mournfully, center door. 
She dabs her handkerchief tO her eyes. This scene is to he 
worked for comedy, but play it melodramatically, with in- 
tense seriousness.) 

Folly (alone). Oh, dear me! (Wistfidly.) This being 
a bootlegger's bride isn't what it's cracked up to be. (Exits 
right. Music stops.) 

Enter Quartet from left. 

(Note that most of the dialog from here on is in ragtime 
verse. The lines should be spoken zvith very marked 
rhythm, except the prose passages.) 

Will. We're waiting for the wedding. 

Tom. The time is very near. 

Dick. I haven't seen the parson. 

Jim. I wonder if he's here? 



54 THE FUN REVUE 

During these speeches Dolly, Molly, May and Fay 
enter from the left. 

Dolly. I saw the bride a while ago, 
Molly. And goodness, how she cried. 
May. I hardly think she wants to be 

A bootlegger's bride. 
Fay. a bootlegger's bride? 
Will. You say she really cried? 
Tom. It is a shame she has to be 
A bootlegger's bride. 
(Music, "Just Before the Battle, Mother/' loud and fast.) 
Preacher enters at center. 
Preacher (shouts). 

The ceremony now will start. 
So cease your silly prattle ! 
Dolly (shouts). 

What is the music that I hear? 
Will. It's "Just Before the Battle." 
Preacher (shouts to orchestra) . 

That song is wholly out of place ; 

Are you a lot of cattle? 
We want to hear the wedding march, 
Not '\Tnst Before the Battle." 
Music changes to Mendelssohn's Wedding March. Lights 
half down. Polly and Cashbonds enter tJirough center door, 
with wedding party. Preacher stands down stage, slightly 
right of center, facing half-left. Polly and Cashbonds 
come down to him, standing slightly left of center and 
facing half -right. Polly is at Cashbond^s left, thus being 
nearer the audience. Wedding party take appropriate 
positions, the whole group balancing dozvn center, and all 
persons partly facing audience. As principals enter center, 
chorus enters right and left and occupies sides and back 
of stage. Music stops. Lights up full. 
Preacher. O friends and feller citizens, 
The show will now begin. 
If anybody starts a fuss, 
You musn't let him in. 



THE FUN REVUE 55 

Will. We musn't let him in? 

Preacher. You musn't let him in. 

Polly. Oh, dear, I feel so nervous. 

Cashbonds. I need a drink of gin! 

Preacher. Has anybody any kick 
Before the knot is tied? 

Cashbonds. Of course they ain't, so hurry up 
And hitch me to the bride. 

Loud crash off stage. Music, soft agitato. Wedding party 
separates, leai'ing center clear. All look in terror toiuard 
center door. Harry enters dramatically. 

Harry. Let me in ! I will see her, I tell you ! No 
power on earth can tear her from me. {Comes dozvn and 
faces Polly.) Ah, there you are, perfidious one! I meet 
you face to face ! 

Cashbonds. What does this mean? 

Harry. It means that the wedding- cannot go on ! You 
are the man who would blight my life, who ruined my ca- 
reer, who would steal the heart of the girl I love ! But she 
shall never become the bride of another! (Music stops.) 

Cashbonds. I think the man is crazy! 
Let's send for the police ! 

Harry. You call me crazy, do you? 

Preacher. Yes, let this nonsense cease ! 

(Plaintii'c music.) 

Harry. Ah, no one beHeves rie! You think Fm a rav- 
ing maniac. Well, maybe I am. If so, there (points to 
Polly) stands the woman who robbed me of my reason! 
Once we were happy — ver}^ happy. All was happiness and 
sunshine, and she was contented with my poor but honest 
love. And then — then this man (points to Cashbonds) 
came between us ! She was dazzled by his wealth. What 
chance had a penniless bricklayer against the blandishments 
of the leading bootlegger in (local) County? He show- 
ered her with diamonds — automobiles — all that wealth could 
buy. And she got too classy to go out with me in my sec- 



56 THE FUN REVUE 

ond-hand flivver. {To Polly.) Well, what are you going 
to do about it? {Music stops.) 

Polly. Pve made a terrible mistake 
For I have been misled. 
You'd better beat it, Cuthbert (to Cashbonds), 
For here's the man I'll wed! {Points to Harry.) 
Cashbonds. I guess Pve lost the race. 
Harry. And I will take your place. 
Cashbonds. Well, I can lose a fight and keep 

A smile upon my face. {Joins Guests.) 
(Wedding party has re-formed, zmth Polly and Harry.) 
Preacher. As I was just about to say, 
When all the row began, 
Will you {to Polly) accept the ownership 
Of this, your lovin' man? 
Polly. Yes; he is simply grand! {Looks languishingly 
at Harry.) 

Preacher. Then take him by the hand. 
i\)LLY. I never cared for Cuthbert. 
Harry. Pm glad that he got canned. 
Preacher. Now, Harry, will you cherish 

Little Polly all your life? 
PIarry. You bet I will! 
Preaclier. The knot is tied. 

You now are man and wife! 
Finale by Principals and Full Chorus: ''Good-Bye, 
Ei'erybodyf' 
All {sing). 

Good-bye, everybody, we will see you soon ; 

Lots of fun to shine beneath the old stage moon. 

Here's our handi — You've been grand — 

We'd like to entertain you morning, night and noon ; 

Maybe some day some of you will be up here. 

With some of us down there applauding, too ; 

If such a thing comes true, 

We'll show you what we can do ; — 

We hope we've entertained you with our Fun Revue. 

Curtain. 



THE FUN REVUE S7 

MUSIC FOR "THE FUN REVUE'' 

Denisoii music has been suggested, so far as practicable, 
in order to simplify the assembling. Where the music of 
another publisher is mentioned, the name of the publisher 
is given in parenthesis. We will make every effort to fur- 
nish all the music listed, at prices quoted ; but we reserve 
the right, in filling orders, to substitute other numbers of a 
suitable nature when necessary. 

Denison's Minstrel Opening Chorus and Finale Num- 
ber One (for opening chorus and finale) $ .75 

"Your Little Girl" 30 

''Carmen, She Was Absolutely Charmin' " 30 

"Hindu Man" 30 

"Soon I'll Be the Czar of Zanzibar" 30 

"Mary, You're the Sweetest Girl I Know" (F. B. 

Haviland Pub. Co.) 30 

"Little Annie Rooney" (Oliver Ditson Co., Pub.) 30 

"Peggy" (Leo Feist, Pub.) 30 

"Cherie" (Leo Feist, Pub.) 30 

"Virginia Lee" (Joe Morris Music Co., Pub.) 30 

"I Ain't Got Enough to Pass Around" 30 

"Croonin' Neath the Cotton-Pickin' Moon" 30 

"The Sunbeam and the Moonbeam" 30 

"Golden Book of Favorite Songs" (containing "Sail- 
ing," p. 27; "Just Before the Battle, Mother," p. 2)7; 

"How Can I Leave Thee?" p. 44) 15 

Descriptive music folio (containing incidental music — 

oriental, hurry, pathetic, etc.) 1.25 

The above prices are net, postpaid. 

T. S. Denison & Company 

Dramatic Publishers 
623 South Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 



A Royal Cut-Up 

KY 

Geoffrey F. Morgan 

A MUSICAL COMEDY in 2 acts; 10 principals (7 
males, 3 females) and a chorus of any size. 

PRINCIPAL CHAPvACTERS. 

Hittemup King of Hocus-Po 

Tutti-Frutti His Cliamberlain 

Jack Hastings A High School Student 

Tom and Harry His Friends 

Wallflower A Public Menace 

Phlox An Escaped Slave 

Princess Poppy The King's Daughter 

Rose Her Friend 

Duchess Bazaza Mistress of Etiquette 

Students, Flower Fairiep, Messengers, Guards, etc. 

Colleges and high schools wishing to stage "a reg- 
ular musical show" will find A ROYAL CUT-UP ex- 
actly suited to their needs. It portrays the adventures 
of a group of botany students lost in the enchanted 
land of Hocus-Po, where they meet a jovial king who 
has been robbed of the royal, treasure but still keeps a 
stiff upper lip. They devise an ingenious ruse where- 
by tlie thief betrays himself in ludicrous fashion, the 
kingdom is saved, and the princess is spared a love- 
less marriage to find happiness with Jack. The fairy- 
land setting gives big opportunity for effective cos- 
tumes, while the staging presents no difficulty. No 
music is included in the book, but places are indicated 
for introducing 10 to 20 popular songs, with plenty of 
drills and dancing. Includes full descriptions of char- 
acters, costumes and staging, with unusually com- 
plete directions for conducting rehearsals. Brisk and 
breezy lines, rich in snappy comedy of dialogue and 
situation, and allowing for plenty of local quips. 

Price, 35 Cents. 



T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



In Hot Tamale Land 

BY 

Geoffrey F, Morgan 

A MUSICAL COMEDY in 2 acts; 10 principals (6 
males, 4 females) and a chorus of any size. 

PRINCIPAL. CHARACTERS. 

Ezra McWhackle An American Pickle King 

Bobby Hunter Honest, Though Poor 

Ned and Dick His Two Chums 

Don Soda Di Poppo Ruler of Hot Tamale Land 

Punko Doro Agent of Bullfighters' Union 

Eleanor Ezra's Charming Daughter 

Agatha Fidget Chaperoning Eleanor 

Dolores Daughter of the Don 

Juanita A Shy Senorita 

Sefioritas, Toreadors, American Girls and Boys, Amer- 
ican Bluejackets, Herald, etc. 

This musical comedy is ideal for college and high 
school production, having no elaborate stage require- 
ments, though scenery and costumes may be as lavish 
as desired, and it can be made a thoroughly preten- 
tious offering. The scene is laid in an imaginary 
country in the tropics, where raising pickles is the 
nation's business and attending bull fights is the 
nation's pastime. Bobby must earn $10,000 before 
Eleanor's father will consent to her marrying him. 
The bullfighters' union calls a strike, and Bobby vol- 
unteers as a strike breaker. His friends' efforts to 
bolster his waning courage, the walking delegate's 
threats of vengeance, Bobby's study of the science 
from a bullfighting manual — these are just a few of 
the ridiculous complications which combine to make 
IN HOT TAMALE LAND two hours of solid laughter. 
No music is included with the book, but there is pro- 
vision for introducing solos, ensemble numbers, dances 
and drills, to be chosen by the director. Has been 
produced with great success. Requires but one stage 
setting. Contains detailed directions for staging. 

Price, 35 Cents. 



T. S. Deiiison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



Betty's Last Bet 

BY 

Edith Ellis 

A FARCE-COMEDY in 3 acts; 5 males, 6 females. 
Time, 2i/^ hours. Scene: 1 interior. 

CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. Darling With Four Great Problems 

Kitty Her Eldest Daughter 

Peggy Her Second 

Dolly Her Third 

Betty Her Fourth 

Hannah A Man-hating Servant 

Richard Wentworth Their Wealthy Neighbor 

Percy Wentworth His Nephew and Ward 

Jack Van Loon Of the Historic Van Loons 

Hamilton Moriarity A Rising Young Legislator 

Edgar Darling A Student of Archaeology 

Betty's propensity for wagering keeps her in hot 
W£^ter, and her mother and sisters, too. Mrs. Darling 
is struggling bravely to promote matches for the other 
girls when Betty, expelled from boarding school, re- 
turns home disgraced but unabashed. And straight- 
way she makes her last bet — and her greatest one — 
with a likeable but unintroduced young man. He wa- 
gers that he can successfully impersonate a distant 
cousin, and get all the sisters engaged within twenty- 
four hours. Three kisses are the stakes. Betty's last 
bet incites an amazing train of complications, and 
when she loses the bet, she loses her heart as well. 
This author has a fine record of professional stage 
successes to her credit, and BETTY'S LAST BET 
is built from the same rich fund of lines and situations. 

Professional siagp. rights reserved ajid a 
royalty of twenty dollars required for amateur 
performance . Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 



T. S, Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



Fifty-Fifty 

BY 

Frederick G. Johnson 

A FARCE of love, luck and laughter in 3 acts, by 
the author of "Mary's Millions"; 5 males, 5 fe- 
males. Time, 2^ hours. Scenes: 2 interiors, an attic 
studio and a bungalow. 

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY. 

Henry Brown An Artist 

Paul Green An Author 

Patrick O'Malley A Janitor 

Smudge A Valet 

Cap' A Wanderer 

Mrs, Podge A Landlady 

Sophie Bland A Dancer 

May Dexter -. An Enthusiast 

Mrs. Hawley A Collector 

Josephine A Seeker 

If there be a moral to this merry comedy of compli- 
cations, it is that it is possible to get too much of a 
good thing. Paul and Henry are struggling to achieve 
fame and bread-and-butter money in literature and 
art. Utter failure is their lot until one of Henry's 
paintings, accidentally displayed upside down, is enthu- 
siastically purchased by an art collector, and the "im- 
pressionistic painter" becomes the talk of the town. 
Paul, following the hunch, writes his stories backward, 
and success follows swiftly. But some innocent fibs, 
told for reasons of necessity, reach the newspapers, 
and the pals iind themselves headed straight for 
trouble. Their love affairs go awry, and in the pre- 
dicaments which follow as a result of their propensity 
for spinning yarns, they find success an empty thing. 
A woman who claims to be Paul's wife, an elusive van- 
ishing painting, a mysterious sea-faring man. a med- 
dhng landlady, all contribute to the mixup. Of course 
it all comes out happily. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of fifteen dollars required for amateur 
performance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 



T. S. Deiiison & Company, Publishers 

6 23 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



Mary's Millions 

BY 

Frederick G. Johnson 

A RURAL COMEDY in 3 acts; 5 males, 6 females, 
extras optional. Time, 2 hours. Scenes: 1 interior, 
1 exterior. 

CHARACTERS. 

Jack Henderson A Civil Engineer 

Jimmie Barnes His Friend from New York 

Ezra Stoneham The Village Storekeeper 

Abija Boggs A Human Flivver 

Victor de Selles An Imported Product 

Jane Stoneham Ezra's Better Hair 

Eudora Smith The Stoneham's Hired Girl 

Lola de Selles Victor's Sister 

Mrs. Mudge Wedded to Her Ouija Board 

Betty Barlow A Country School Teacher 

Mary Manners An Heiress to Millions 

Member's of the Choir. 

"When T go after a side partner, she's going to be 
a live-wire lady. No corn-fed beauties for mine." 
"Say — honest — is there anybody in tliis one-horse town 
that has a million dollars?" "I've read books, I have, 
about them slick rascals from the city." "Waitin' 
for the mail? Looks more like waitin' for the female." 
"More city folks, I'll bet a doughnut." "I believe in 
sperrits, but I ain't seen none sense the country went 
dry." "Stop scratchin'! Ain't you got no company 
manners?" "He looks like a head waiter and he 
talks like a bottle of seltzer." "All foreign wild ani- 
mals looks alike to me." "The greatest doin's since 
the mill dam busted." "What's been swiped an' who 
done it?" "Any clues? No. all genuine pearls." "She 
has chain lightning slowed down like the rural free 
delivery." "I foller the deeductive method. I don't 
take no clues off no Fiji board!" "Boy, I sure do 
hate to take you, but I reckon I got to." "Funny 
what a difference just a few millions make." "The 
third degree trimmed with hayseed." "Eudory, you 
say the durndest things!" 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of fifteen dollars required for amateur 
performance . Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 



T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



DENISON'S 

MINSTREL OPENING CHORUSES 
AND FINALES 

By JEFF BRANEN 

Something new. A boon, especially to amateurs. 
Assure the success of your minstrel performance. 

Get your audience in a friendly mood, tingling- with the warm 
glow of pleasure, from the opening curtain. Get away to a flying 
start and make a whirlwind finish, and your show will be pro- 
nounced a success, even though there may be some rough spots 
in between. Provide a relish at the beginning, make your inter- 
vening acts as good as your individual talent will permit and then 
leave your audience with a good taste in their mouths. Denison's 
Minstrel Opening Choruses and Finales are for the purpose of 
creating good first and last impressions. As such they are made 
to order and are as good as professionals ever used. 

No more will you have to follow the practice of relying for this 
all important work upon a novice wlio probably will tlirow together 
some stale choruses and call it an opening and perhaps may ask 
you to close with a simple song which means nothing. Each 
Opening Chorus and Finale tells an original and interesting story 
and will instantly thaw the chilliest audience. Laughable, ar- 
tistic and in excellent taste. The finale of each chorus is a witty 
"thank you," 

NOW READY 

Number One For Blackface Minstrels 

Number Two For Whiteface Minstrels 

Number Three For Female Minstrels 

Number Four For Legion Minstrels 

Piano Score, Words and Music. 

Price, Each Number, Postpaid, 75 Cents. 

Supplementing the vocal score, a special orchestration is fur- 
nished for each Denison's Minstrel Opening Chorus and Finale. 
It provides for eleven instruments including effective saxophone 
obbligatos, the latter being the final word in arrangements of 
this kind. The cost of the orchestration is extra, but is trivial 
compared with the expense of employing a local or special arranger. 

Eleven-Instrument Orchestration {No sets broken). 

Price, Each Number, Postpaid, $1.50 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue, CHICAGO 



Son^ Numbers for Your Show 

Make a program of live wire hits 

Complying with a demand for a series of musical 
numbers whicli are well adapted for interpolation in 
musical comedies, revues and minstrel shows, the pub- 
lishers are bringing out the following carefully selected 
songs, ideally suited to this purpose, for which they 
were especially written. 

CARMEN, SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY CHARMIN'. 

— A novelty comic number with very raggy treatment 
of characteristic Spanish music. Splendid for ensemble 
as well as for solo. Price, 30 Cents. 

CROONIN' NEATH THE COTTON -PICKI N' MOON. 

—A beautiful southern serenade, rich in mellow chords 
and close harmony; excellent for musical comedy or 
minstrel; includes male quartet arrangement. 

Price, 30 Cents. 

HINDU MAN. — A cleverly worded and gorgeously 

harmonized oriental number that carries the weird 

spell of mystic India in both lyric and melody. An 

unrivalled production number. Price, 30 Cents. 

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR NIGHT.— An out-of-the-or- 
dinary ballad, characterized as a semi-classic, with 
piano accompaniment of unusual beauty. Worthy of 
feature position in any concert. Price, 30 Cents. 

I AIN'T GOT ENOUGH TO PASS AROUND.— An 

irresistibly funny foon song, with a blue-y accompani- 
ment. Every bit as good as "Constantly" and "Some- 
body Lied," by the same writer. Price, 30 Cents. 

OSHKOSH, B'GOSH! — A "hey rube" novelty number 
that is crowded with wit and unexpected twists in 
the lyric. Characteristic .iosh music that takes you 
right back to the farm, by heck! Price, 30 Cents. 

SOON I'LL BE THE CZAR OF ZANZI B AR.— Dan 
McGrover was a rover in liis motor car. The letter 
that he wrote to McClusky from far off Zanzibar inti- 
mated that he was sitting on the world. A speedy 
number that is good for a hit. Price, 30 Cents. 

THE SUNBEAM AND THE MOONBEAM. — A 

charming ballad with a novel idea charmingly ex- 
pressed, and a melody with a haunting quality. In- 
cludes arrangements for male and mixed quartets. 

Price, 30 Cents. 
YOUR LITTLE GIRL.— An appealing ballad, har- 
monized in catchy, syncopated tempo. Excellent solo 
numl:)er, especially for mixed or female minstrels. In- 
cludes special chorus arrangements for male and mixed 
quartets. Price, 30 Cents. 

T, S, Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Cataloeue Free 



FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price 25 Cents Each 

M. F. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 
Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 

min 1 2 

Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 

35 min 11 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 30 min... 2 3 

Borrovled Luncheon. 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Class Ship, 35 min 3 8 

Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 

Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 

Goose Creek Line, 1 hr 3 10 

Great Pumpkin Case, 35 min.. 12 
Hans \'on Smash, 30 mi ',..43 

Honest Peggy, 25 min 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 
Just Like a Woman, 35 min. ..33 

Last Rehearsal, 25 min 2 3 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Paper Wedding, 30 min 1 5 

Pat's Matrimonial \'enture, 25 

min 1 2 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Sewing for the Heathen, 40 

min 9 

Shadows, 35 min 3 4 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 
Teacher Kin I Go Home, 35 

min 7 3 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake. 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted: a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of , 

Spades, 40 min 3 6 

Whole Truth. 40 min 5 4 

Who's the Boss? 30 min 3 6 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price 15 Cents Each 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 15 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Before the Play Begins, 15 

min 2 1 

Billy's Mishaps, 20 min 2 3 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that "Kicked Chicago, 25 m. 3 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 
Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 



M. F. 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Wanted: A Hero, 20 min 1 1 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES 
Price 25 Cents Each 

Amateur, 15 min 1 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 

Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2.1 

tier Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hev, Rube ! 1 5 min 1 

It Might Happen, 20 min 1 1 

Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 

Quick Lunch Cabaret, 20 min.. 4 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Street Faker, 15 min 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 

Sunnv Son of Italv, 15 min.. 1 

Time'Tal)le, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 

Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min., 1 

Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 

Umbrella INTender, IS min 2 

Vait a Minute 2 

BLACK-FACE PLAYS 
Price 25 Cents Each 

Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 

min 10 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 m... 1 1 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 
Darktown Fire Brigade, 25m.. 10 
Good Mornin' Judee, 35 min.. 9 2 

Hungrv, 1 5 min 2 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
What Happened to Hannah, 15 

min 1 1 

A great number of 

Standard and Amateur PSays 

not found here are listed In 

Denison's Catalogue 



T. S. DENKSON & CO MP ANY, Publishers, 623 S.Wabash Ave. .Chicago 



1—1221 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




Denison's Acti 021 929 

Our list comprises hundreds of titles 
— comedies, dramas, farces, vaudeville 
sketches, musical comedies and revues, 
minstrel material, little theatre playlets, 
etc. All shades of sentiment are rep- 
resented, and all varieties of talent, 
number of characters and time required 
in presentation are provided for in this 
list. Denison's Acting Plays contain 
detailed description of stage business, 
characters, costumes, settings, and full 
instructions for staging. 

Popular Entertainment Books 

In this series are books touching 
every feature in the entertainment field; 
Dialogues for all ages, Speakers, Reci- 
tations, Monologues, Drills, Entertain- 
ments, suitable for all occasions; hand- 
books for home, school and church, etc. 
Over sixty titles, each written by a 
specialist in his given line. The books 
are finely made, clear print, good paper, 
and each has a most attractive, individ- 
ual cover design. One of the best and 
most complete entertainment series 
published. 

Send for Complete Descriptive Catalogue 

T. S. Denison& Company, Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 



